Walking on Eggshells: Discovering Strength and Courage Amid Chaos by Lyssa Chapman Read Free Book Online Page A

for other, more challenging experiences. That’s why I am very protective of Abbie, Serene, and Mady. In fact, I advocate for them and myself better than the best of mother bears. But when I was a child I did not have the ability to speak on my own behalf. No child does, but due to my life circumstances as a child, maybe I had even less skill in this area than other kids.
    When fall rolled around Dad was so afraid that Child Protective Services would take me again that he was afraid to enroll me in school. I guess he thought if CPS didn’t know I was still in Hawai’ithey wouldn’t come looking for me. So instead of classrooms and friends, I spent my entire fourth-grade year home alone. Dad and Ginny were there, but I rarely saw them, as most of the time they stayed in the bedroom. Drugs had taken hold of Dad again, and this time he really lost his way.
    Most days I’d wake up on the filthy couch in our living room. Then I’d find a bag of Cheetos somewhere, go back to the living room, and turn on the television. After that I’d pull my blanket (which probably hadn’t ever been washed) around me. There I’d sit, just inches away from the television screen, all day. When I got too tired to watch any more I’d fall asleep on the couch. I didn’t go to school and I didn’t play with friends, as I had none. I really was as lonely and isolated as a child could be.
    Technically Ginny was supposed to be homeschooling me, but I don’t remember that we had many school sessions. She was too wrapped up in my dad. I don’t remember that I was signed up through a homeschool program in the school or a homeschool association, but Ginny and I did go to a store to get some fourth-grade books, and once in a while she gave me a few assignments. I hate to admit it, but when Ginny was busy with Dad I’d read the teacher’s copy of the book so when she tested me I did well, even though I didn’t study. I tend to think “homeschool” was just a term Dad or Ginny had ready to throw out if anyone ever asked about me.
    Every day when I woke up I hoped that this would be the day when Dad would come out of his room and spend some time withme. I missed all the things we used to do together as a family, the parades, fishing, swimming, Bible stories, and all the family time we shared. Barbara and Tucker were in Alaska, and Leland was off on his own. I missed them all so much.
    Leland, in fact, was now a dad himself, as his son Dakota had just been born. I was still fascinated with children who were younger than I, babies included, but we didn’t see much of Leland during this time. I think he saw what was going on in Dad’s life and didn’t want any part of it, so he stayed away.
    Sometime that fall I became so desperate for my dad’s attention that I went to extreme measures to try to find it. One day I spent hours giving myself about a hundred hickeys all over my body. Then I ran to Dad and said, “Dad, look! There’s something terribly wrong with me.” Dad gave me one dry look and replied, “The only thing wrong with you is that you gave yourself a bunch of hickeys.”
    Still crying out for attention, one afternoon I actually jumped out of a tree with the full intention of hurting myself. I thought if I were hurt, surely my dad would take some notice of me. I planned the jump in detail. The tree was next to our house, and the branch I jumped from must have been about ten feet up. Scratched, bloody, and bruised, I lay on the ground and screamed for my dad to come help me. Then I screamed some more. But no matter how long or loud I screamed, there was no response. This was definitely not in my plan. Eventually, as dusk fell, I made my way up to Dad’s bedroom, only to find the door locked and no answer to my knocks.
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    Beth Smith came to visit us twice during this time. Beth was great at bookkeeping and making sense of a business, so Dad asked her to come, as he needed her skills. The first time Beth came I think she stayed