What You Really Really Want by Jaclyn Friedman Read Free Book Online Page A

For the vast majority of us, 1 sexuality is a central part of our humanity, a basic pleasure, like enjoying the taste of food or laughing until we cry. On a more practical level, if it makes me feel good before, during, and after; and if it involves other people and makes them feel good before, during, and after; and if everyone understands the risks involved and takes reasonable precautions to be safe, then, well, what’s not to like? For example, if you and your partner both love giving and receiving oral sex, then by all means, enjoy it with abandon. It’s really that simple, yet the Terrible Trio has any number of powerful ways to make you feel that it’s a shameful, even disgusting, taboo.
    Of course, much of this is also open to interpretation. For example, what’s a “risk,” and what’s “reasonable”? For that matter, what’s “safe”? And how do you know if your partner is feeling good? These are valid questions, but none of them have simple answers. We’ll continue to address them as we make our way through this journey together.
    But remember, whether you agree or disagree with my values, what matters is that you know what your own values are. Once you know what you believe about sexuality, you build up an immunity to shame. How? Just do your best to act according to your beliefs. (Hint: If that seems impossible, you may want to check in with yourself to make sure your values are realistic and allow for you to be a messy, complicated person. Because we’re all messy and complicated at least some of the time.)

    If you know what your sexual values are and adhere to them most of the time, then it’s going to be a lot harder for other people to make you feel shame.
    Dive In: Write a sexual mission statement. This should be a paragraph expressing what you believe about sexuality. Be sure to answer the following questions: What do you have the right to, sexually? What are your responsibilities when it comes to sex? What about your partners’ rights and responsibilities? What’s the most important thing you seek from sexual exploration or expression? What do you never want to seek from sexuality? What does no one have the right to do when it comes to sex?
    Now, write a list of five times you’ve felt sex-related shame. Circle two of those five that felt particularly intense. Then pick one, and write out the story of what happened—what did you do or not do that triggered the shame? Did someone try to shame you for it directly, or did the shame come from the inside, from something you’d previously absorbed? Describe the shame you felt as specifically as you can. Now read back over your sexual mission statement, and apply it to this situation. Do you now, in the present tense, think you did anything wrong then?

BLAME
    Oy. Blame. What hasn’t been blamed on female sexuality? When women act on behalf of our own sexual desires, we get blamed for being raped, for the demise of modern masculinity, for men’s cheating, for getting cervical cancer, for homophobia,
for street harassment, even for earthquakes. But the truth is, there are very few ways to hurt yourself, your partner, or society through your sexuality.
    Here’s the complete list of things that you should worry about during sex:
    â€¢ Are my partner and I both enthusiastic about what’s happening, and both capable of free and enthusiastic consent? (More on enthusiastic consent in chapter 7.)
    â€¢ Are we taking reasonable precautions to prevent STDs and other bodily harm?
    â€¢ If, between us, we’ve got the physical equipment required to make a baby, are we using a reliable form of birth control, or do we both want a pregnancy?
    That’s it. That’s the whole list. If you’ve got those bases covered, and you’re not lying to any of your partners, and you’re not an adult who’s cheating or willingly committing incest, I guarantee