When It All Falls Apart (Book One) by Lucinda Berry Read Free Book Online Page B

didn’t care who won because I liked how excited he always got about the games. I missed our talks about the books he was reading or thinking about assigning to his students. The only books he’d read in the last four years were parenting books. I didn’t pay any attention to the media, but he was the opposite. It used to annoy me how philosophical and passionate he could get about the issues in the media, but now I’d give anything to hear him spout off about how the use of cellphones was going to turn everyone into robots.
    I let out a deep sigh and climbed the stairs up to our bedrooms to begin gathering the supplies we would need to stay overnight in the hospital.
    We should have gotten a cat.
    I was immediately assaulted with what a terrible mother I was for thinking such a thing, but it wasn’t the first time I’d regretted having Rori even though I knew it meant I was a bad mother. Over time, I’d gotten used to feeling like I wasn’t a good mother. During Rori’s first year, whenever I would start to feel like I wasn’t acting the right way or feeling the way I was supposed to be feeling about being a parent, I would tell myself it was only temporary and was because of my insecurities and inability to do things with her perfectly like David did. I assured myself it was an adjustment period and like any new relationship, it was going to take time to develop. I was sure as time went on I would start to like my role as a mother and begin to feel as competent about it as David and the other mothers around me. I refused to even acknowledge that it might have anything to do with That Night.
    But things didn’t improve over time. They only grew more pronounced as Rori moved into her second and third year. As I watched David, Robin, and other parents interact with and talk about their children, I could no longer deny something significant was missing in me when it came to being a parent. I didn’t want there to be, but the harder I tried to force it to happen, the more I struggled and the more obvious it was. The more I tried to say the right thing, the more I said the wrong thing whereas David seemed to always know exactly what to say. Robin wasn’t any different. I watched her on play dates as she skillfully talked Emma down from temper tantrums when both of our kids were going through the terrible twos. She was able to soothe and calm her down. When it was Rori’s turn to have a melt-down, she wanted nothing to do with my efforts to comfort her. She shoved me away and screamed louder. Every effort I made resulted in the same end—carrying her to the car over my shoulder kicking and screaming.
    David assured me the only reason I couldn’t talk Rori off the ledges of a meltdown was because she was a stubborn child and refused to be distracted like so many other kids, but his words held no value. If what he said was true than Rori should’ve had the same behavior with him as she did with me, but she never did. He could calm her down as well as Robin could calm Emma.
    I rubbed my temples, knowing within the hour my head was going to be throbbing. I reminded myself like I always did whenever I was bombarded with thoughts about being a horrible mother that I loved Rori in my own way. Of course I loved her. I was her mother and mothers were supposed to love their children.

Chapter Five
    W hen I got back to the hospital, Rori was sitting up in bed with David beside her, his arm wrapped snuggly around her. Her face was pale and there were dark circles underneath her eyes. Her skin had a yellowish tint I’d never seen before. She looked up at me when I walked into the room.
    “Hi, sweetie.” I said taking a seat next to them at the end of the bed.
    “Hi, mommy.” She gave me a weak smile.
    “How are you feeling? Do you feel better?”
    She shook her head.
    “What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?”
    She shook her head again.
    “Sweetie, can you tell mommy how you’re feeling? It will help us be able to help