Why Me? by Neil Forsyth Read Free Book Online Page B

Servant
    To: Mike Christopher
    Subject: Remember the security!
    Sorry, can you send it one number at a time? It’s safer.
    ----------------
    From: Mike Christopher
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: RE: Remember the security!
    Are you serious?
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Mike Christopher
    Subject: Good Question
    What do you think? (be honest)
    ----------------
    From: Mike Christopher
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: RE: Good Question
    FUCK you if this is not true
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Mike Christopher
    Subject: RE: Good Question
    4
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    NO REPLY

    16 This is one of Bob’s favourite jokes but has always struck me as a little obtuse. I once probed him at a corner table in Broughty Ferry’s Stewpot’s Bar on how exactly this selection of words operate as a joke. He replied, ‘A lot of people like Rolls Royces but do they know what’s under the bonnet?’ I answered that yes, those same people would be aware that under the bonnet of a Rolls Royce would be a Rolls Royce engine. Bob replied by asking if I thought the table had ‘a wobble’. I replied that it didn’t. Bob then spent five minutes frowning and wobbling the table with his hand before leaving for a lengthy bathroom visit.
    17 Along with this email Bob sent three photos to demonstrate suitable ‘housewives’ favourites’. The photos were of David Jason in character as Del Boy, Ian McShane in character as Lovejoy and Osama bin Laden in character as Osama bin Laden. Unfortunately I cannot include the photos here as one of those three ‘likely lads’ refused permission (to be fair, it wasn’t bin Laden who did not cause the production of this book any problems at all).

6
The War at Home
    From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Offi cial US Army
    My name is Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser. I am a trusted operator in the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have 19 years service. We are under constant attack here and I am able to get on only when things are not wild but I saw your profile and thought we could have a connection.
    Please dear tell me of your life and I will tell you of yours.
    Your Sergeant Gary

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    From: Bob Servant
    To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    Subject: Morning Sarge
    Sergeant Gary,
    Thanks so much for dropping me a wee line from the trenches. It’s wonderful to hear from a military man, and I will tell you right now that I’m firmly behind the troops. At the end of the day you lads are just doing your jobs and if a few heads get knocked together along the way then so be it.
    It’s also great to hear that the Afghanistan gig is still going. I know that the Iraq roadshow got wrapped up last year and it’s an open secret that the boo boys reckon both Afghanistan and Iraq have been shite wars because of the lack of major surprises and the time difference.
    Well, I’ve not given up on Afghanistan and I’m delighted to hear that you haven’t either, Gary. We’ve not had a good war since the Falklands and I still think there are a couple of wee twists in the Afghanistan tale yet.
    Keep your head down pal.
    Your Servant,
    Bob Servant
    ----------------
    From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Hello there
    Hey There,
    Thanks for taking the time to respond, makes me feel we’ve got a connection already. I will love to tell you more about me it’s just that I don’t always get to log on there to chat. You’ll need to know that I’m serving the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have served 19 active years with different infantry units.
    I have been to a bunch of hot spots around the world and continue to do so today. I generally socialize outside of the military community since I’m single and my peers are pretty much all married with children. I am an avid athlete, having