Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape by Friedman, Jaclyn Friedman, Jessica Valenti Read Free Book Online Page A

comes to hookups, whether it’s a one-night stand or just a more casual sexual relationship, it’s especially important to know where the other person is coming from. In those cases, you don’t have the luxury of being able to read someone’s body language or “just know” what they might want. This is probably the time when it’s most important to bring up what you want and ask the other person what they want.
     
    Also, in many of these cases it seems to be assumed that, in male/female hookups, it’s the man who must do all the asking. Women should get in the habit of asking, too, and realizing that while our culture sends the message that men want sex 24/7, that’s not necessarily true. Or maybe he wants some part of it, but not all. Women, just as much as men, need to engage their lovers on these questions in order to level the sexual playing field and lay to rest that men = horny stereotype once and for all.
     
    By making absolutely sure your partner wants to be involved in what you’re doing sexually, you’re not only on the right side of the law but are going to have a hotter time in bed. You’ll know what they want, in their own words. You can gauge from the way their eyelids flutter (or close), the way their breathing gets heavier, the way their body squirms as they answer your questions. And being on the receiving end of those questions (even if it makes you blush!) is pretty damn sexy. I’m sure you’ve been in a situation where you’re making out with someone, then things move to the undressing stage, and then there’s that seemingly interminable time before anyone speaks up about what they want. Or perhaps it devolves into a “What do you want to do?” “No, what do you want to do?” scenario. And that’s okay; not being sure is fine, too, as long as both parties are clear. Getting more comfortable talking about sex in and out of the heat of the moment means there’ll be fewer of those awkward silences and less chance of one person thinking they had the best sex in the world while the other wishes it had never happened.
     
    One of my favorite questions to ask in bed is to have my partner tell me about one of their fantasies. Asking about someone’s fantasies takes the pressure off them to tell you exactly what they want at that moment. They can share freely about, say, their desire to be tied up or to have a threesome without worrying that you’re going to bust out some rope or call your best friend into the room. The fantasy question is a precursor, perhaps, to an open dialogue about sex, which is what this concept of consent, more broadly defined, is all about.
     
    All that said, I’m not sure that the message that “consent is sexy” belongs on a button, where students at the University of Washington have put it, to protest against sexual assault and domestic violence. The fact is, we’re never going to see anyone sane arguing outright that they’re against consent. They’ll say things like she was drunk, she came to his room, she got naked, she did ___ . There will always be an excuse to hide behind. To truly reinforce the message that consent is sexy, we need to show our partners why and how that is. Besides, consent should be a baseline, the rock-bottom standard for sexual activity, and shouldn’t necessarily have to be sold as “sexy” to count as something vital and important. It can be sexy, sure. But tagging it as such almost seems to be overhyping it. Do we really need to “sell” consent as a concept?
     
    Consent is a basic part of the sexual equation. If there’s any uncertainty, or if you find that you’re using some power to coax someone into sex when they clearly aren’t that into it, you need to rethink what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Is sex something to be pursued at all costs, no matter what the other person thinks—or what they will think of you later? If you’re worried about sounding like a robot with an endless stream of “Can I