Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape by Friedman, Jaclyn Friedman, Jessica Valenti Read Free Book Online Page B

touch you there?” types of questions, think about turning that whole line of questioning around. Instead of “Can I?” try “What do you want me to do?” Or offer your own body up to be stroked and fondled. If you’re usually the one to make the first move, take a step back and ask yourself, if you didn’t put a sexual vibe out there, would she or he do so in your place? Let the other person pursue you; not only will you feel highly desirable if they do, but if they don’t, you may get a clue that they are only going along with your advances. (Please note: I’m not endorsing people’s engaging in sex “to be nice” or “because the other person started it.” But it happens, and while legally that may be considered consent, I’d argue that that’s not enough. Plus, if you’re used to always having to put the moves on someone, sitting back and basically saying, “I’m all yours” can be extremely hot. The pressure’s off, and if you create a safe, open space for your lover to explore your body at their own pace, you just may learn a thing or two about what turns them on.)
     
    What makes consent sexy isn’t simply that the person wants to be doing it with you. It’s not enough to just assume that if she (or he) doesn’t say no, they want it. This kind of thinking, which some men use as a defense (“she didn’t say no”), is problematic on many levels. The burden is not on the woman to say no, but on the person pursuing the sexual act to get an active yes. While more women need to speak up about their sexual desires, men also need to proactively ask their female lovers what they want in bed, and recognize that it may not be so easy for women to talk about. Many of us have been told that we’re supposed to look and act sexy, but are never given a script, outside of porn, regarding how to go about doing that. For some people, it comes naturally, but for others, just asking to be touched in a certain spot or to engage in a new position is a challenge.
     
    The bottom line is, you can’t assume you know what your partner is thinking. You may think you know what they have in mind, based on your reading of them, but that’s still only your reading until you probe further. Some men may assume that by “taking charge,” they can prove how much they know about women. But all women (and men) are different, and what your ex liked in bed might not be what the new person occupying your bed likes. Taking the time to find out shows you care and will put your partner at ease; they know you’re there not just for your own selfish interest, but to have an experience where you both get off.
     
    And don’t worry about sounding inexperienced. You may have had dozens of previous lovers, but that doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to the unique individual before you. Especially if you haven’t hooked up before, even a simple “What do you like? What can I do for you?” goes a long way. If she mumbles or is nonresponsive, rather than just seeing “how far you can get,” take it slow. Offer a backrub and, while giving the massage, ask what she’s into, what she wants you to do for her. That puts the ball in her court. If she really wants you, she’ll get the message and speak up.
     
    Ultimately, that kind of sex is, if not coercive, a true partnership, one where there’s give and take and where you feed off each other’s desires. If you’ve ever tried to talk dirty with someone who barely says a peep in bed, you’ll know what I mean. It’s like masturbating with another person in the room, and nobody wants to feel like they’re just a prop in a lover’s sexual game. When you’re getting as close as possible to another human being, isn’t it worthwhile to make sure that you are actually bonding (even if only for a few hours), rather than just doing something you could do by yourself? Sexualizing consent may mean stepping out of your comfort zone. It may mean finding a way to get her or him to talk