Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape by Friedman, Jaclyn Friedman, Jessica Valenti Read Free Book Online

see what you have in common. Both interested in spanking? Great! Curious about what it’s like to give (or receive) a lap dance? Go for it. Neither of you into butt plugs? Cross that off your list. One of you wants to go to a sex party, the other would never do it? Either cross that off your lists or negotiate how the person interested can check it out on their own. Even downloading such a list online and reading it over can spark ideas you may have never considered. This is especially useful for BDSM acts that may be new and confusing to both parties; how do you know whether you like, say, hot wax being poured on you if you’ve never done it before? What if you fantasize about it while you’re alone but don’t know if the reality would be all it’s cracked up to be? That’s why there’s a “maybe” on the list.
     
    It benefits both halves of a couple (or coupling) to know what the other is into. This does not necessarily mean you have granted consent from here to forever for activities on your yes list, but simply that they are ones you’ll consider or have been into before. Further discussion can tease out the nuances of these desires, and if there’s something one of you is curious about but not sure how you’d go about it, this list can open the door to that crucial conversation. As you compare lists and talk, you will almost surely learn something about your partner, even a long-term partner, that you didn’t know before. As dominatrix and sex columnist Mistress Matisse wrote in The Stranger, “Some of the pleasure I take in kink is the continual seduction of consent. I love the fact that I can get my partners to let me do things to them that they never thought they’d let anyone do—and better yet, I can make them like it. That’s hot.” 3
     
    Why is this concept such a sticking point? The Antioch code boldly stated that “silence is not consent.” That means that unless you get an affirmative yes from a sexual partner, you don’t know what they really want. As women, it’s our duty to ourselves and our partners to get more vocal about asking for what we want in bed, as well as sharing what we don’t. Neither partner can afford to be passive and just wait to see how far the other person will go. That dynamic puts everyone in an awkward position; for traditional heterosexuals, it means the man is always trying to see “how far he can go,” while the woman is stuck in the uncomfortable position of trying to enjoy herself while not having a voice in the proceedings (and, for many, still worrying about how far she can go without being considered “slutty”).
     
    And if you have been sharing, or trying to share, what you want and aren’t being listened to? That’s a problem. Recognize that and make it a priority. I’m aware that’s easier said than done, but it’s worth it, trust me. Feeling nervous around someone you’re getting naked with is never going to lead to truly good sex. It’s a huge red flag if you never wind up feeling comfortable enough to speak up about sex with the one person you should be able to talk to about it. If the crucial words never come out, you have to ask yourself why that is. Is your relationship truly one in which open talk about sex is welcomed? Or is that talk only one-sided?
     
    These are the issues that Antioch’s policy was meant to address, and did, albeit in a sometimes clunky way. While a cheeky Los Angeles Times column by Meghan Daum entitled “Who killed Antioch? Womyn” suggested that the early ’90s was “a time when many liberal arts campuses were so awash in the hysteria of political correctness that it seemed entirely possible a lamppost could commit date rape,” 4 in fact the idea of getting your partner’s consent is not just about the line between rape and not rape. There is a lot more that goes on during sex than simply saying yes and no, and in the silences, unspoken doubts, fears, mistrust, and confusion can arise.
     
    When it