You'll Be Sorry When I'm Dead by Marieke Hardy Read Free Book Online

segment musicians would play their top five songs to fuck to, whilst talking lewdly and openly about intercourse. Yet I obviously had—and still have—my limits, at least when it came to daytime television and other such moral bastions. We all do, which is why sordid little cockstains like Alan Jones are allowed to pass judgement on the behaviour of young women in burqas whilst simultaneously being arrested for acts of indecency in public toilet blocks. No glass house left unshattered.
    Whether I simply held no faith that a letter from a twenty-three-year-old screenwriter would carry much weight with the bigwigs (or ‘big cheeses’, for the White Wings employees among you), the following paragraph proves that I was only moments away from being escorted off to the Zelda Fitzgerald Center for Slightly Hysterical Ladies.
    . . . I am complaining about this program not only as a woman . . .
    Vagina? Present!
    . . . but as a mother. I have a sick eight-year-old daughter at home with me today, and felt that at the very least I could sit her in front of some harmless daytime television . . .
    That’s right, in order to rouse what I felt were the just and proper responses from the Channel Ten authorities I invoked a fictional child. Please note that this is the exact sort of behaviour that makes the baby Jesus cry.
    . . . Harmless indeed! If I had any idea of the revolting innuendo and sexist banter that was to be aired, I would have rented a video. As it was, I just turned the television off. And it will stay off until you consider running some sensible daytime television, as opposed to this disgusting rubbish.
    Yours furiously,
Stacie Mistysyn (Mrs)
    So my whole non-existent family was being punished for the sins of Stan Zemanek. No television until the entire network sits up and takes notice, invisible children!
    Not long after that Stan got a brain tumour (presumably unrelated to one particular letter from an angry fake housewife) and appeared in lots of women’s magazines looking sad and bald with his teary wife and headlines like NOBODY KNOWS MY STAN LIKE I DO and I felt briefly sorry for him. Which quickly passed—he was a bad egg and besides which he never replied to my heartfelt outpourings. Won’t someone think of the (fictional) children?
    That Beauty and the Beast letter began a whole cunning series written with the intention of ‘hoodwinking the respondent’. Obviously in my feverish state I was obsessed with the idea of fooling whomever may be unlucky enough to receive my latest missive and fashioned my pieces accordingly. I created dead husbands and injured pets and traumatised children. I pretended to live in bush huts and government housing and Toorak mansions. And occasionally I attempted to make a political organisation sit up and take notice by coming across like an enthused fan suffering a sustained brain injury.
    21.01.1999
    Dear Young Liberals,
I have just heard about youre new ideas for the Young Liberals and I am thinking about joining. I heard it on channel nine news a week or so ago but it took me until today to write to you. That is not to say that I have not been thinking about it because I have been thinking about it very much. My local Pastor says I could be an excelent person in politics as I have very strong opinons on a number of topics.
    First though I have a queston for you:
    1: Is there an age requirement for people who want to join the Young Liberals? (dont worry I am sixteen and not to young)
    b: Do I have to live in Queensland to join the Queensland Young Liberals? I am asking this because while I live in Victoria from what I here the Queensland Young Liberals seem to get a lot more done than the Victorian Young Liberals who I have not read to much about.
    c: If I join the Young Liberals can I have a say in what we talk about and so on because of the topcs raised on the news I have some opinions about.
    I have been thinking about a few of the ideas. One