You're Never Weird on the Internet (Almost) by Felicia Day Read Free Book Online Page B

think that sunk in over the computer monitors as well as it did in real life. We tried to circle safe topics like, “Can you believe what Periwinkle Dragon said about Feather Dragon on the forum last week . . .” but after that, everything trailed off into tense pauses. It was extremely uncomfortable.
    For once in my life, I can say, “Thank goodness my mom was there!” She has a talent for prompting inappropriate conversations with strangers. As soon as she took charge, we learned about people’s divorces, sexual orientation, and we were just getting into drug useconfessions and my yelling, “Mom!” really loud when Tyler came downstairs and suggested we “Go out for a walk and a bite to eat.”
    Translation: His mom was booting the weirdos.
    The group moved down to the Jersey boardwalk, which is lovely and has excellent taffy, and we made a beeline for the video game arcade, where all the Dragons proceeded to play separately from each other for another two and a half hours, only stopping for a short break to get hot dogs. I spent most of my time with Camouflage (damnit, Tyler!) and tried to salvage the dream of finding my true love in New Jersey.
    And, try as I might, it just didn’t work. Yes, he was smart and cute in person and clearly hadn’t doctored his photos because there was still that unibrow, but the whole package was like seeing a Tiffany box from afar and being so psyched and then getting up close and realizing it’s a pack of gum from the 99-cent store. There’s an indefinable “something” you have with another person to get your reproductive organs all flame-y, and it just wasn’t there with any of the Dragons. I’d had a big crush on Tyler before, but in retrospect, I think it was only because he gave good phone voice.
    Getting the romance question out of the way was a relief. Now I could actually have fun! Henry, Tyler, and I proceeded to beat the crap out of each other at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. We had an awesome, platonic time together, and I was prepared to leave happy knowing I would still have two great friends online, and I could let my heart move on to other places.
    And then my mom jumped in.
    She had always been a BIG Tyler fan and decided to get her pompoms out.
    “Isn’t he sweet? His mom’s a bitch, but he’s so cute.”
    “He’s okay, Mom. So is his mom.” His mom wasn’t okay—what little I saw of her reminded me of a character from The Godfather , but I didn’t want to get judge-y.
    “You two look so good together, his eyes are pretty. You need to get away from the group. Go off alone together! I’ll distract Henry.”
    “What? No, I’m fine!”
    “We’re leaving in the morning, Felicia. Go down to the beach with him alone!”
    “No! That’s weird! Why?”
    “Felicia, you have to kiss him. This is your chance!”
    And then it became clear. Before we left New Jersey, my mom was determined to hook me up.
    For the record, I had never kissed a boy before, and she had to know this, since I’d been locked away like Rapunzel. Maybe it was because she drove seventeen hours and wanted some payoff, but she decided to jump in and grease the libido. In her “helpful” mind, I didn’t know enough to interact with guys properly, and she was going to be my guide. Whether I liked it or not.
    At the end of the afternoon, all the other Dragons dispersed with the promise of “Let’s meet up again!” (Except we never would.) Then my mom found an excuse to drive me and Tyler to a nearby Walmart.
    She dragged my brother inside, leaving me and Tyler alone in the car together, with the ulterior motive of giving us time to mash faces.
    “I’m going to get some snacks for the drive tomorrow. Ryon, you want Bugles?” My brother got out of the car and followed her without looking up from his Game Boy. I don’t think he looked up from that thing for six years, to be honest.
    I made one last desperate attempt to escape. “We can go with you! Please!”
    “Nope.