Zombie Elementary by Howard Whitehouse Read Free Book Online

tapped me on my shoulder. “Pay attention!” He shoved a hymn book at me. Page 392. “Take Thou Our Minds, Dear Lord.”
    I could still hear it. This time it was “ NNGAARRRGGGGHHH !!!!”
    Mrs. Suffecool snored a bit when Pastor Linda was giving the sermon, but she’s not a zombie. Someone else must be in here. I wracked my brains to figure out if any zombies I knew came to this church.
    You know what I mean.
    Of course. It had to be Mr. Phalen. He drives an ambulance. I could see him standing by the back row, stumbling forward. He was still wearing his uniform. It had a big, brown stain down the front.

18
    Mr. Phalen was shambling up the aisle. Pastor Linda noticed him and smiled. Then she stopped smiling.
    I guess the organist noticed too, because she stopped playing right in the middle of the hymn. The organ made kind of a wheezing noise.
    “Pat Phalen!” called out Pastor Linda. “Pat! Are you alright?”
    I knew he wasn’t all right, being a zombie and all. But Pastor Linda’s an adult and—like I’ve said—the adults weren’t real on top of this whole zombie outbreak deal at all. I guess she thought he was sick or something.
    When I knew he was dead or something.
    I really like Pastor Linda. She’s real nice to us kids and never yells at us when we make noise or pincheach other while she’s talking. I didn’t want her to get bitten.
    But I knew she was going to. She’d come down out of the pulpit and ask Mr. Phalen what was wrong and maybe hug him. Which I think you’ll agree would be a real bad move at a time like this.
    He staggered on a step near the front of the church. Pastor Linda rushed forward to help him.
    I picked up my hymn book and threw it at Mr. Phalen. Real hard.
    It hit him in the back of the head. He turned around and howled.
    “ GGGRRRROOOOWWWWGGGHHHHH !!!!” Something like that, anyway.
    “What are you doing, Larry?” yelled my mom.
    “Larry! What is wrong with you?” shouted Dad, which I figured would get him in trouble with Mom later.
    Honor squealed.
    I threw another hymn book. Hit Mr. Phalen on the nose.
    I could have been a pitcher.
    I could be in trouble.
    Not just “grounded for a year” sort of In Trouble. I mean
zombie ambulance driver coming right at me
sort of In Trouble. Pastor Linda had her mouth open, but no words were coming out. Mr. Phalen had changed direction and was staggering back down the aisle toward me. Well, toward my whole family, plus the family in the row in front and the old lady ahead of them. We were all in a whole lot of trouble.
    “ BRAIINNNSSS !!!!”
    I guess we knew what he wanted.
    It was then that Francine Brabinsky got in
waaaay
more trouble than me.
    You remember I told you she was strong?
    Francine ran up to the piano and grabbed the stool. It’s like solid oak and real heavy. Normally Mrs. Andrews would be sitting on it, which would be a problem, but she was up in the balcony playing the organ, so that was okay for Francine (because you don’t want to shove Mrs. Andrews off her stool, even for a real good reason). Anyway, she picked up the stool by the legs and ran back down the aisle with it like it was a fire-ax. Mr. Phalen was pretty much busy with the lurching and the grabbing and thehowling, so he didn’t take any notice at all. The little old lady two rows ahead of us was hiding under her pew, and the family in front was just frozen in place.
    ZOMBIE TIP
    Chances are, no matter how much research you’ve done watching zombie movies, the first time someone smacks down a zombie right in front of you, you’ll feel queasy about the experience. This is totally normal. Don’t worry about it.
    I was scrabbling around for another hymn book. “Take this!” said my mom. “Throw it good!”
    I don’t understand parents. I was In Trouble for that just a minute ago.
    But as I hauled back my arm to throw, Francine stepped up onto the pew behind Mr. Phalen and thwacked him over the head with the stool.
    Knocked him flat.
    Stretched