A Not So Model Home by David James Read Free Book Online

bitch.
    Aurora didn’t take a seat at the table even though there was a chair open for her. Instead, she leaned forward and placed her widely spaced hands (with talon-like fingernails, painted black) firmly on the table as if to remind a reluctant board meeting that she was in charge.
    â€œI’m sure Jeremy introduced me already, but just in case he hasn’t, I’m Aurora Cleft. I am Ian’s psychiatrist, and I’m here on the show as a relationship counselor, to help him choose a suitable boyfriend—and heir. I’ve had a very successful practice in Los Angeles for over a decade, and I’ve treated some of the biggest names in Hollywood. I can’t tell you who they are because of therapist–patient confidentiality, but believe me, I’m talking big names. I’ve written several books you might have read”—she looked at the empty-headed expressions on the faces at the table—“or heard of: Kick Your Own Ass ; You’re Not a Victim . . . Just a Pathetic Wimp; and Lonely? Get Over It! I believe in the individual taking charge of his life and not whining a lot about it. I’m tough, I’m smart, and I don’t suffer bullshit. Okay, gentlemen, let’s go make history, let’s get ratings, and good luck to all of you. Some of you are going to need it,” she finished, looking squarely at Gilles.
    I didn’t know whether to clap or storm the beaches of Normandy. I didn’t know what to think of Aurora. Yes, I did. I thought she was a bitch.
    Gilles, true to his nature, made a mumbling comment about Aurora’s being “vertically challenged.” I’m surprised Gilles would know a word that was so, well, American.
    Aurora’s head spun in Gilles’s direction so quickly I thought I was going to hear neck bones cracking. “When Katharine Hepburn first met Spencer Tracy, she was wearing high heels and commented that maybe she was a bit tall for him, to which he responded, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll cut you down to size.’ I may be short, Gilles, but don’t forget that I am here to make sure Ian finds a suitable partner who thinks with more than his dick. I’ve seen your type before.”
    Boy, I wish the cameras were rolling just then. That would have made a Kodak moment. Aurora had shut up Gilles for the time being.
    Suddenly, I liked Aurora a lot more. She was starting to grow on me.
    Jeremy jumped in like a trendy ringmaster. “Well, that’s the cast! You all know each other. When we start filming on Monday, the context will be a pool party here at Ian’s house. I want to you to arrive in street clothes, but bring sexy swimsuits to wear for the party.... That means you, too, Amanda—I plan on having a lot of lesbians following this show too. That means a Brazilian wax,” Jeremy announced, pulling an imaginary strip of waxed pubic hair from his crotch with a ferocious jerk of his arm. “For those of you who could use a little touching up on the tans, I’d spend a few hours brushing up over the weekend . . . but don’t overdo it. And please hit the gym as much as you can. I want you all looking sexy, pumped, groomed, and with bulges in your swimsuits. There will be several cameras roving around, taking down your every word, so if you’re going to say something to the camera, be yourselves . . . but be nasty. I want conflict, I want competition, I want men here wanting to win. I want big ratings.”
    I raised my hand timidly.
    â€œYes, Amanda?”
    â€œAs Ian’s long-time friend, what is my role exactly?”
    â€œTo be his friend.”
    â€œI know that, but how am I supposed to interact with these gentlemen?” I trailed off.
    â€œJust be yourself, Amanda. Do what friends do. Comfort Ian . . . er, look, Amanda, I’m a producer. Everyone hates me. What would I know about friendships? In my business, you befriend someone and they stab you in the