A Not So Model Home by David James Read Free Book Online Page B

weird thing is the French guy is the trashiest. Give him just one episode. He’s going to strip the Kardashian family of their class. I always think of the French as being, well, you know, having taste.”
    â€œThey adore Mickey Rourke.”
    â€œOkay, so there’s a big, gaping hole in my theory. Gilles is nothing more than trash du traileur with a great body and face to match! And these guys are like what Gertrude Stein once said about Oakland, California.”
    â€œThere isn’t any there, there?”
    â€œThat’s about the sum of it, Alex. They spend most of their time texting, or playing Angry Birds video games. The glitz is the substance.”
    â€œAmanda, they’re models. What did you expect?”
    â€œYou’d think with all the time they’ve spent in London and Paris and Milan, some sophistication would rub off.”
    â€œI think the word you’re looking for is not sophistication, but as you said, substance. Don’t hold your breath. These kind of shows would turn Prince William into Snooki.”
    â€œOh God, Alex, please don’t mention Jersey Shore . I’m so afraid that Italy is never going to forgive us for letting those troglodytes film the show in Florence. Florence! Can you image it? The birthplace of the Renaissance! The city where all of Europe began to climb out of the Dark Ages, and the cast of Jersey Shore almost put it right back where it started in just a few weeks.”
    â€œAmanda, the guys on your show might not be Rhodes Scholars, but they could never descend that low. You know this is a reality show, Amanda. There’s going to be bitchiness, cattiness, pettiness, and above all, manufactured drama. But do you think it’s going to have good production values?”
    â€œGood production values, Alex? This is one step up from a porn film.”
    â€œIt’s not that bad. At least Ian has good taste in his house.”
    â€œIt’s full of penises.”
    â€œIt’s full of male models, Amanda. What else could it be?”
    â€œNo, Alex. There are penises everywhere—sculptures, paintings, illustrations, pool floats.”
    â€œOh, then Ian’s not getting any.”
    I brightened up. “That’s what I thought. Exactly.” I sighed. “Well, Alex, there is a silver lining. Maybe.”
    â€œThe paycheck?”
    â€œNo, that’s expected.”
    â€œPossible future husbands?”
    â€œNo, that ain’t gonna happen. I think I’m the only straight person on the show. Oh, wait a minute. Aurora Cleft . . . I think she’s straight. I think.”
    â€œAurora Cleft? What is she? British supermodel? Nazi she-wolf?”
    â€œBoth, but she’s kinda short for the model thing. She’s Ian’s therapist, counselor, exorcist, whatever. But I like her. I think.”
    â€œShe’s the silver lining?”
    â€œI’m going to make her my emotional airbag. A buffer, so to speak. All right, I’m going to hide behind her if I need to.”
    Alex gave me one of those stop-underestimating-yourself looks. “How about this: Why don’t you work to stand out rather than hide in the shadows? I mean, that’s what they hired you for.”
    â€œI’m there for the comic relief . . . to make others look good while they dance rings around me.”
    â€œThen don’t let ’em do it. You’re much smarter than those vacuous models and musclehead pretty boys. Remember, the image you create on this show is going to stay with you for a long time.”
    â€œLike Janet Jackson’s pierced and armored nipple at the Super Bowl? Great! I still can’t get that image out of my head.”
    â€œI know, I still wake up screaming at night. That is one ugly boob . . . the veins, ugh! But back to the matter at hand. You’re a smart aleck. You’re funny. Why don’t you put all those zingers you come up with to good use?”
    â€œOh, I