Alex by Adam J Nicolai Read Free Book Online Page B

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    "Yeah, and he was counting on me.   I should've been there, and he wants me to know."
    Derek clapped his mouth shut.   Ian could feel his eyes but still wouldn't meet them.  
    "What else have you dreamt about him?"
    Ian wasn't ready to answer.   Giving voice to the thoughts left him certain they were right.   Alex had every reason to torment his father: the man who had promised to keep him safe, to come home every night, to die to protect him.   Big words that had meant nothing.  
    There was no answer for Alex's accusations.  
    "Come on," Derek pressed.   "What else?   Are they all about that?   I thought you said you dreamt about him playing."
    Ian flicked a glance at him, then away.   "Yeah.   Playing with his cars.   I've had that one twice.   He wants me to play with him."
    Derek gestured, as if to say, Well, there you go.
    "What?"
    "Is it a good dream?"
    "Well..."   Ian remembered the furious need in his chest, the crippling pain when Alex disappeared.   "No.   Because it's like he's back, even though I know he's dead.   And when I try to touch him, he disappears.   Every time."
    Again, Derek exhaled.   "Wow.   It sounds... horrible."
    "Yeah."   Ian nodded.   "It is."   He had hoped talking about it would help get it off his chest, put it in perspective.   Instead, it was just making him feel more trapped.
    "But still," Derek said.   "It sounds better , at least.  
    "Look, I wasn't his dad.   But I knew Alex.   He was an incredible kid.   Gentle, and a ton of empathy for a five-year-old.   I can believe you're beating yourself up.   I would too.   But have you considered that your brain is just using the idea of Alex to do it?  
    "I only say that because I don't think you should let that fuck up your memories of him.   I just don't see Alex coming back to you in your dreams and... accusing you like that.   I can see you doing it to yourself, but don't pin that on him."
    "He'd have every right."
    "Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't.   But I don't think Alex would do that."
    Alex had also said, "Daddy, you're home!" and "I need a hug."   Part of Ian yearned to accept what Derek was saying.  
    But if he did, it meant the visions weren't real.   It meant that he was seeing things.   Was that better or worse?
    "I know they're just dreams.   I know that.   And I'm not religious or anything, I haven't been for years, but..."   Ian looked at the floor.   "Do you think there's any chance...   I mean, they're so real .   What if he's trying to talk to me somehow?"   He looked up, to catch Derek's reaction.
    Carefully neutral, weighing.   Finally, he answered, "'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'"
    Ian felt a sad smile on his lips.   "And what does that mean?"
    Derek shrugged.   "It means, who fucking knows?"
    Ian scoffed.   "Great."
    "Well, seriously.   There's nothing I'll be able to say to convince you one way or another.   You're the one having the dreams.   But if it really is Alex, I think you should focus on the good things.   I think it's far more likely that he'd come back to say goodbye.   You know?   I just don't see him coming back to make you feel bad.
    "Look, if there's a heaven, Alex is in it.   You know that."
    Ian hadn't believed in heaven for years, but the question was hypothetical.   He imagined a place of eternal peace, reserved for those who had suffered, and found himself nodding.
    "And that kid would not hold a grudge, from heaven, against his daddy.   He just... he wouldn't.  
    "He was too good for that."
    32
     
    Sunday night.   Home again.   He hesitated at the door, autumn leaves whispering in the breeze behind him.  
    He felt like he had as a kid, after coming home from spending a weekend at a friend's house.   When the limitless possibilities of the weekend had all been realized or wasted, leaving a taste of disappointment in his mouth.
    He opened the door and went into the