Alice by Laura Wade Read Free Book Online Page A

happened last March and you’ve been having tea ever since, you’ve been stuck.
    HARE: My head hurts.
    ALICE: You’ve probably had too much caffeine.
    The HATTER gives the HARE his watch .
    HATTER: Here –
    The HARE holds the watch to his forehead .
    Time’s a great healer.
    What say we change the subject? I vote the young chap tells us a story.
    ALICE: I’m actually a girl, I did say –
    HARE: I’d love a story.
    ALICE: I don’t know any.
    HATTER: Then the Dormouse shall.
    ALICE: Could really do with that magic portal right now...
    HARE: Wake up, Dormouse!
    The HATTER pours some tea onto the DORMOUSE ’s nose and he wakes up, spluttering .
    HATTER: We demand a story!
    HARE: Oh please oh please.
    DORMOUSE: Alright, but you’ll definitely not like it.
    The DORMOUSE readies himself to tell the story, clearing his throat etc. ALICE uses the moment to reach for a piece of bread
and butter .
    Once upon a time there was a...
    The DORMOUSE nearly dozes off, then wakes up again with a start .
    Once upon a time there was a...
    HATTER: Spit it out quickly, before you fall asleep again, there’s a good chap.
    DORMOUSE: Once upon a time there was a little boy and his name was Joe –
    ALICE stops, with the piece of bread half way to her mouth .
    ALICE: Joe?
    DORMOUSE: Joe.
    ALICE: My brother Joe?
    Is this what I’m here for? Are you going to tell me something important about Joe?
    DORMOUSE: His name was Joe and he lived at the bottom of a well.
    HARE: Well well here’s a story, eh?
    ALICE: No, he lived in Broomhill, surely?
    DORMOUSE: He lived at the bottom of a well.
    ALICE puts the piece of bread and butter down .
    ALICE: OK, is this some kind of code – like a whatsitcalled, like we did at school, um – If I solve the riddle, I get my door, yes?
    HATTER: What did he live on?
    ALICE: A metaphor.
    DORMOUSE: He lived on treacle.
    HARE: Metaphor. Met her for what?
    ALICE: Treacle?
    DORMOUSE: Treacle.
    ALICE: You can’t live on treacle, you’d be sick.
    DORMOUSE: So he was. Very sick.
    ALICE: Why was he at the bottom of a well?
    I don’t know any wells. Unless you mean like Forge Dam, or Abbeydale Hamlet or something –
    DORMOUSE: It was a treacle-well.
    HATTER: No such thing!
    ALICE: OK, so is the well – is that a metaphor for the, um, car crash, or –
    Not very good metaphor, is it? What does the treacle stand for? Is that me, or. Did Joe have a sister?
    DORMOUSE: If you can’t listen properly, you’d better finish the story for yourself.
    ALICE: No, please go on – please. Tell me about Joe.
    DORMOUSE: He was learning to draw, you know –
    ALICE: What did he draw?
    The DORMOUSE pauses for a moment .
    DORMOUSE: Treacle.
    HATTER: You can’t draw treacle.
    DORMOUSE: If you can draw water out of a water-well, you can draw treacle out of a treacle-well.
    Stories are so tiring.
    HATTER: I want a clean cup! Move round, move round!
    ALICE: Wait – please finish the story.
    HARE: Move round, move round!
    ALICE: Please, this is really important.
    ALICE has to collude with the moving-round, but during the movement, the DORMOUSE falls asleep again. ALICE pokes him .
    Tell me what the treacle means, what the drawing means –
    Hello? Hello? What about the story?
    ALICE shakes the DORMOUSE by the shoulder, trying to rouse him .
    He wakes up and looks at her .
    DORMOUSE: I wasn’t asleep, you know.
    ALICE: Please tell the rest of the story – about Joe?
    The DORMOUSE shakes his head confused .
    DORMOUSE: Joe...
    ALICE: Who lived in a well?
    DORMOUSE: Joe...
    ALICE: A treacle well?
    DORMOUSE: Treacle, strawberry jam –
    ALICE: Right. This is just nonsense, isn’t it? You’re just spouting rubbish.
    The DORMOUSE shakes his head, then falls asleep with the effort .
    DORMOUSE: Twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle...
    HATTER: Look at that – six o’clock. Time for tea.
    HARE: Move round, move round!
    ALICE: You’re all broken, you’re stuck.
    HATTER: You must have something to eat.
    ALICE: I don’t want to eat anything