Average American Male by Chad Kultgen Read Free Book Online

says, “Did you just ask that girl on a date?”
    “Yeah.”
    “You little fucker. Are you and Casey still together?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Then what the fuck are you doing?”
    “I don’t really know.”
    “You just saw some girl you wanted to fuck and asked her out or what?”
    “No. I’ve seen her before. I saw her on a plane, and then I saw her in a record store. She sold me a CD. I constantly think about her.”
    “I guess I’m not the one to be giving you a lecture on fidelity. God knows I’ve fucked around on half of West Hollywood. But you better be fucking careful. Shit like this always blows up in your face.”
    I pay for Super Populous and we leave the Beverly Center.
    When I get home I jerk off thinking about the possibility of fucking Alyna on our first date. I wonder if she’s ever fingered herself while thinking about me.

some chapter
    Scarface Part 2
    I’ve been playing Halo 2 campaign mode for the past four hours on Legendary difficulty. I’m having trouble with the part where you have to pilot a Ghost around while a giant Covenant walker robot is deci-mating the city. The Covenant Ghosts do too much damage and there are too many of them. The phone rings. I answer it without stopping my game and hear a vaguely familiar lisp. It’s fucking Scarface, who begins the following conversation:
    “I had a really good time meeting you and your friend Todd when we were all out the other night.”
    “Uh-huh . . .”
    “Did you?”
    “Uh . . . sure.”
    “Cool. So what are you up to right now?”
    “Uh . . . I’m playing Halo.”
    “Cool. What’s that?”
    “A video game.”
    “Cool. I love video games. I’m awesome at Tetris. You ever play Tetris?”
    “Not really.”
    I have a bead on an enemy Ghost and my plasma cannon is fully charged. Before I pull the trigger I pretend Scarface is piloting the Covenant ship. As I blow him out of the air, I see his body falling down to the ground below.
    Scarface keeps talking, “Hey, what kind of music are you into?”
    “Uh . . . all kinds, I guess.”
    “Cool. Me too. I listen to pretty much everything.”
    What must be forty-five seconds pass and all I hear on the other end of the phone is air blowing in and out through Scarface’s deformed lip. I try to ignore it as I mop up some more Covenant ships.
    Then she says, “So do you date much?”
    “Not too much.”
    “Yeah, same here. But when you do go on dates, what kind of stuff do you like to do?”
    “Eat, I guess.”
    “Yeah, that’s a really good thing to do on a date. Where do you like to eat?”
    “I don’t know, depends on what I’m in the mood for that day.”
    “Yeah, it totally does depend on that. Do you ever get in the mood for Italian food?”
    “Uh . . . yeah, sure.”
    “I love Italian food.”
    There’s another long pause during which I’ve managed to land my severely damaged Ghost and pick up an entirely new one to continue fighting.
    She says, “Maybe we could go get something to eat at that Italian place in the Grove sometime soon if you’re not busy.”
    I do a dive roll to avoid a salvo of glowing plasma rounds from an enemy ship and then say, “Uh . . . I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”
    “Oh, oh, okay . . . cool. Well, I’ve got your number. Maybe I’ll give you a call some other time.”
    Before I can say anything she hangs up and I find myself feeling genuinely bad for Scarface, bad enough to pause my game. I think for a few seconds about Scarface and how she must have similar conversations with guys all the time. I think about star-sixty-nining her and taking her up on the offer. She might be happy enough to have a date that she’d suck my dick or let me fuck her in the ass. I jerk off as I imagine her sucking my cock and I cum as I imagine blowing my load all over her deformed lip.
    I use a paper towel from the kitchen to clean myself off and then unpause my game.

chapter twelve
    Plans
    I make specific plans not to go to Casey’s house so I