Average American Male by Chad Kultgen Read Free Book Online Page B

to get married.”
    “So?”
    “So are we?”
    I wish I would have left work ten minutes earlier so I wouldn’t have been there when Casey called, or that I had just jerked off in the first-floor bathroom so the lure of fucking her wouldn’t have been so strong. I wish a pot of scalding water was on the stove so I could dunk my head in it.
    I can’t talk. I just stand there.
    She says, “Well . . . have you ever even thought about it?”
    I can’t think. I just open my mouth. “No.”
    “You’ve never even thought about us getting married?”
    “No.”
    “We’ve been dating for like over a year.”
    “Right.”
    “And you haven’t ever even given it the slightest thought? Like what I’d look like in a wedding dress?”
    For the first time in my life, I imagine Casey in a wedding dress.
    She actually probably would look good from the front.
    “No. Have you?”
    “Of course. I love you.”
    My involuntary reactions come back to me. “I love you, too” crawls out of my mouth.
    “Then why wouldn’t you think about us getting married?”
    “Why are you bringing this up now? What did your mom say to you?”
    “She wanted to know if we were thinking about getting married yet or like thinking about having kids.”
    “Kids?” Is this a fucking joke?
    “She had me when she was twenty.”
    “Kids?” It’s not a fucking joke.
    “My sister just had a baby and my mom wants me to give her grandchildren, too. I don’t think that’s so bad.”
    Her cats are sitting on the coffee table watching us argue. I wish they were watching us fuck.
    I have to get out of this. I say, “Do you want to go get a sandwich?”
    “What?”
    “I didn’t eat before I came over here. Do you want to go get a sandwich?”
    “What are you talking about?”
    “I want to get a sandwich.”
    “Are you like trying to change the subject or something?”
    “No, I just, I’m just hungry.”
    She gets really pissed. She stomps off into her bedroom and slams the door shut. Her cats are still sitting on the coffee table just staring at me.
    I’m afraid to knock on her door because I know the marriage conversation will have to be resolved. So I sit back down on the couch and finish watching Family Ties. I wonder how many eighteen-year-old hardbodies Michael J. Fox fucked in his prime—before Parkinson’s, before marriage.
    I watch TV for the next few minutes, during which I formulate my apology and the quickest route of conversation that will lead me to fucking. I watch a little bit of a soft-core porno on Cinemax called A Rock and a Hard Place. I contemplate jerking off in Casey’s living room and then going home, but I ultimately decide against it. It turns out to be a good decision, as Casey comes out of her room ready to start up the conversation again.
    She says, “So are you ever going to apologize?”
    I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I say, “Of course. I just thought you needed some time to yourself. I didn’t want to interrupt you before you were ready to fully talk about this whole thing.”
    “Well, now I’m ready.”
    I take a deep breath and try to look like I care. I say, “What you said earlier just caught me by surprise. I came over here thinking about one thing and then your mom called and I ended up getting another.
    You know how us guys think.”
    “Yeah, like rocks.”
    “I know. I’m sorry.”
    “So then what do you think about the whole us getting married thing?”
    This question inspires me to create the following masterwork: “Of course I’ve thought about us getting married. It’s not like I don’t see us together in the future. I guess what I meant was that I never even ques-tioned whether or not we’d be married so I never really gave it much thought. It’s just something that I kind of take as a given.”
    That one got her. She smiles and says, “So you think we’ll get married?”
    “Someday . . . in the future.”
    She sits down next to me and puts her arms around my