Bang: Memoirs of a Relationship Assassin by David Wailing Read Free Book Online

padded envelope and paperwork from my satchel and handed them over. She frowned. “Who’s this for?”
    “Er, a Mr Leiter, I think, it should say on the…”
    “Yeah, but I don’t think we’ve got anyone here called Felix Leiter. Hang on.” She tapped away at her computer. “There’s a Leffler in HR, but no Leiter.”
    “Oh.” I looked a bit lost. “Don’t suppose you can sign for it then.”
    “No, not really. You sure it’s for us? The rest of the address is right…”
    “Tell you what, let me take it back to the office and check the details, okay?”
    “Sure.” She handed the package back.
    I picked up my helmet and turned to go, glancing at the other receptionist, still on the phone. What if it was her? I had to know one way or the other. So I turned back. “Oh yeah, I’ll need to log who I spoke to, all right if I use your name?”
    The girl smiled. “Yeah, it’s Becky. Rebecca Hargreaves.”
    Target acquired.
    “Cheers Becky,” I smiled back, then left.
    And that was it.
    Yes, first impressions are important, and obviously it helps to make a positive impact. But trust me, when it comes to a seduction, first contact is best kept brief. Acceptance takes time. Especially for women. They don’t tend to fall head over heels for the first handsome guy who comes strolling into their workplace, even if those black leathers do show off his firm arse nicely. Big deal. Firm arse never won fair lady.
    Most women are naturally on guard against strangers, and strange men especially. They’re seen as ‘The Other’ – unknowable and untrustworthy. It’s only seeing the same face again and again that gradually wears down their defences, and turns ‘The Other’ into ‘Oh yeah, that guy’. And even that can take days or weeks of repeat showings.
    But I had a short timescale on this one. So it would have to be hours.
    Phase 2: Familiarity.
    Monday 7 June 3.45pm.
     
    In-stant re-play! (Oh, got to have it.) In-stant re-play! (Oh wohwohwoh!) I bounded back into the building with that song in my head. The security guard even gave me a nod of recognition. See what I mean about repeat showings?
    “Hello again,” said Becky as I walked up to the desk.
    “Right, think we got it sorted!” I said cheerily. I yanked out the package, now addressed to a name I got off their company website. “Richard Leffler?”
    “Oh yeah, the HR guy.” And so Becky took the package, signed the receipt and tore off a copy to hand back to me. Flash of diamond. Engagement ring. “What firm are you from?”
    “Ontime Direct.” I held up my ID card. Real delivery company, but fake namebadge. “We’ve just set up an office down the road, in Moorgate.”
    “You going to be a regular, then?”
    “Yeah, guess I am. Sorry about the name thing, someone messed up somewhere.”
    “No problem.”
    “Where’d you get your lenses, by the way?”
    Becky looked up at me properly. “What?”
    I tapped a gloved finger to my eyes. “Your contact lenses. I was thinking of getting some myself. Not that I need them, but they always look so cool on people – ”
    “I’m not wearing contact lenses,” she said, puzzled.
    “Oh right. Sorry.” I looked right at her, my eyes flicking left and right a fraction, as if scanning her face. “I thought you had those special lenses in, you know, the ones that make your eyes blue. Or whatever.”
    She smiled. “Nope. I’m au naturelle .”
    “Ah,” I nodded, “ trés bien .” That caused a small chuckle, at which point I snatched up my helmet. “Bye.”
    I didn’t look back as I walked out. But I did catch a reflection of Becky in the glass door as I swung it open. You know, I’d swear she was checking me out.
    The wannabe-Casanovas among you probably think that was kind of lame. All that bollocks about contact lenses, and then leaving just as I might be getting somewhere. Should have just gone for it, you’re thinking, asked her out. But that’s because you’re an amateur and