Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris Read Free Book Online
Authors: Joshua Harris
concern for the good of others. It seeks intimacy without obligation.
Setting a Clear Course
People ask why I initiated a defined season of courtship with Shannon. Why not just ask her out and see where it would go? I did it because I didn't want another undefined romantic relationship. Too many times in the past I had separated the pursuit of intimacy from the responsibility of commitment. I had learned that this was neither a wise nor caring way to treat a girl.
When I expressed my desire to explore the possibility of marriage, I wanted to set a clear course for our relationship-a course that would lead to marriage if it was truly God's will.
For us the season of courtship was a wonderful time in our relationship in which we refrained from physical intimacy, deepened our friendship, learned about each other's values and goals, and interacted on a spiritual level. We asked a lot of questions. We went on dates. We grew closer to each other, but all for the very clearly stated purpose of finding out if God would have us marry.
Unlike my past relationships, my courtship with Shannon was unambiguous. From the start, our pursuit of intimacy was paired with an openness to commitment. The difference was that now our activities and the time we spent together had a purpose beyond mere recreation, and that purpose was clearly defined.
Do you see the difference? We were walking towards the
55
commitment of marriage, not simply seeing how romantically involved we could become for the sake of a good time. Were the feelings there? You bet! Our courtship was an unforgettable time of falling in love with each other. But we weren't simply trying to get swept up in our emotions. Instead, we were letting our feelings grow naturally out of our deepening respect, friendship, and commitment to one another. Setting a clear course for a defined season of courtship helped us keep from rushing into involvement with our hearts and bodies before we had time to get to know each others mind and character.
Why So Serious?
I'm sure that for some of you, the idea of stating your intentions at the beginning of a relationship is distasteful. Mentioning the possibility of marriage up front is foolish, you'd say, because it makes the relationship too serious, too soon.
I understand this concern. No guy should do this lightly, without serious prayer and counsel from the parents and pastor who know and care for the girl. A man who uses the hope of marriage as bait to manipulate a woman will answer to God.
I also agree that it's foolish for a couple in a courtship to immediately assume that they're going to be married. But stating your intention to explore and consider the possibility of marriage is very different from assuming that marriage is inevitable. By clearly stating the intent of the relationship, a man is asserting that he is open to marriage. He is acknowledging that unless there is a clear intent to consider that level of commitment, the girl has no reason to waste her time developing anything more than a friendship with him.
This is why, in one sense, courtship is a commitment-it's a promise not to play games with another person's heart. It's serious. It's a willingness to honestly explore the merits of a lifelong
56
commitment. The man is setting a clear course for the romance by answering the "What's the point?" question about the relationship at the very outset. The point of the relationship will be to consider marriage.
What is courtship? It's dating with a purpose. It's friendship plus possibility. It's romance chaperoned by wisdom. That's what I mean by setting a clear course for romance. It's not without risk; it's simply a way to be careful with the other person's heart while opening up your lives together to God's joyful best.
3. Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
Proverbs 19:2 says, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the
Setting a Clear Course
People ask why I initiated a defined season of courtship with Shannon. Why not just ask her out and see where it would go? I did it because I didn't want another undefined romantic relationship. Too many times in the past I had separated the pursuit of intimacy from the responsibility of commitment. I had learned that this was neither a wise nor caring way to treat a girl.
When I expressed my desire to explore the possibility of marriage, I wanted to set a clear course for our relationship-a course that would lead to marriage if it was truly God's will.
For us the season of courtship was a wonderful time in our relationship in which we refrained from physical intimacy, deepened our friendship, learned about each other's values and goals, and interacted on a spiritual level. We asked a lot of questions. We went on dates. We grew closer to each other, but all for the very clearly stated purpose of finding out if God would have us marry.
Unlike my past relationships, my courtship with Shannon was unambiguous. From the start, our pursuit of intimacy was paired with an openness to commitment. The difference was that now our activities and the time we spent together had a purpose beyond mere recreation, and that purpose was clearly defined.
Do you see the difference? We were walking towards the
55
commitment of marriage, not simply seeing how romantically involved we could become for the sake of a good time. Were the feelings there? You bet! Our courtship was an unforgettable time of falling in love with each other. But we weren't simply trying to get swept up in our emotions. Instead, we were letting our feelings grow naturally out of our deepening respect, friendship, and commitment to one another. Setting a clear course for a defined season of courtship helped us keep from rushing into involvement with our hearts and bodies before we had time to get to know each others mind and character.
Why So Serious?
I'm sure that for some of you, the idea of stating your intentions at the beginning of a relationship is distasteful. Mentioning the possibility of marriage up front is foolish, you'd say, because it makes the relationship too serious, too soon.
I understand this concern. No guy should do this lightly, without serious prayer and counsel from the parents and pastor who know and care for the girl. A man who uses the hope of marriage as bait to manipulate a woman will answer to God.
I also agree that it's foolish for a couple in a courtship to immediately assume that they're going to be married. But stating your intention to explore and consider the possibility of marriage is very different from assuming that marriage is inevitable. By clearly stating the intent of the relationship, a man is asserting that he is open to marriage. He is acknowledging that unless there is a clear intent to consider that level of commitment, the girl has no reason to waste her time developing anything more than a friendship with him.
This is why, in one sense, courtship is a commitment-it's a promise not to play games with another person's heart. It's serious. It's a willingness to honestly explore the merits of a lifelong
56
commitment. The man is setting a clear course for the romance by answering the "What's the point?" question about the relationship at the very outset. The point of the relationship will be to consider marriage.
What is courtship? It's dating with a purpose. It's friendship plus possibility. It's romance chaperoned by wisdom. That's what I mean by setting a clear course for romance. It's not without risk; it's simply a way to be careful with the other person's heart while opening up your lives together to God's joyful best.
3. Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
Proverbs 19:2 says, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the
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