Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris Read Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Joshua Harris
way." That verse could stand as a one-line summary of Shakespeare's tragic play Romeo and Juliet and for many misguided romances in real life. To be passionate about something if our passion is based on ignorance or mistaken information invites disaster. Yet the very intensity of romance can set us up for exactly that.
Earlier I told you about Matt and Julia. They're an example of two people who, motivated by impatience and selfishness, became very emotionally zealous about each other but later realized that their emotions were based in fantasy. They didn't really know each other. Their emotions had no foundation in the facts.
What is an emotion? As I was growing up, my dad taught me that an emotion is a physical expression of how we perceive the status of something that we value. Anger, gladness, fear, sadness, joy, jealousy, hatred are all combinations of our perception and our values. For example, two bystanders who witness a cat being hit by a car can experience totally different emotions
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based on how they perceive the situation and how they value the cat. One who hates cats might be wickedly glad, while the other person who owns and loves the cat would be overcome with sadness.
In a relationship, if our values are godly and our perception of what we value is accurate, our emotions will be appropriate and healthy But if either is out of sync with the truth, our emotions will be inappropriate and unhealthy. Our goal should be to be properly excited about what is really important.
Wisdom calls us to base feelings on accurate information, not on distortions. This is what Julia failed to do. Her emotions created an image of Matt that wasn't real. She rushed heart-first into the relationship with her eyes closed. Her marathon conversation with Matt on their first date created a false sense of knowledge. They revealed parts of themselves that were very intimate but didn't get the reality check of time or observe each other in different contexts. The effect was to give them the impression that they were closer than they really were.
In the season of courtship we have to fight the tendency to fill what's lacking in our knowledge of the other person with emotion based on fantasy. If we don't know something about him or her, we need to talk, ask probing questions, and discover who they really are-their values, their motivations, their goals. We need to move beyond typical, artificial dating activities and observe each other in real-life settings-in families, in church life, with friends, handling pressure at work. Courtship is a time to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the one we love. Then our emotions and decisions about the relationship can be based on fact.
The skillful romance I've been talking about doesn't disdain or rule out emotions and passion. But it does call us to make sure that these feelings are flowing from reality, not rationalization. We
58
want the true character of someone to win our heart. We want our emotions to respond to who they really are and to the true status of the relationship.
Are You Ready for Courtship?
The problems we see in relationships today-the impatience, the lack of purpose, and the misguided emotions-are all expressions of foolishness. We need wisdom. Wisdom complements romance. Like the string attached to the kite, wisdom enables romance to really soar. It anchors it, disciplines it, and brings it to its highest potential. Again, the tension is good.
When the emotional winds get dangerously strong, wisdom pulls the kite down to safety so it won't be destroyed. That's what happened in Rich and Christy's story. Even though it was difficult, they grounded their romantic relationship because it wasn't the right time for it to fly.
I talk to many young couples like Rich and Christy who ask, "How do we know when it's the right time to start a courtship?" The basic answer to this question is that you're ready to start a courtship when you can match romance with wisdom.
In
Earlier I told you about Matt and Julia. They're an example of two people who, motivated by impatience and selfishness, became very emotionally zealous about each other but later realized that their emotions were based in fantasy. They didn't really know each other. Their emotions had no foundation in the facts.
What is an emotion? As I was growing up, my dad taught me that an emotion is a physical expression of how we perceive the status of something that we value. Anger, gladness, fear, sadness, joy, jealousy, hatred are all combinations of our perception and our values. For example, two bystanders who witness a cat being hit by a car can experience totally different emotions
57
based on how they perceive the situation and how they value the cat. One who hates cats might be wickedly glad, while the other person who owns and loves the cat would be overcome with sadness.
In a relationship, if our values are godly and our perception of what we value is accurate, our emotions will be appropriate and healthy But if either is out of sync with the truth, our emotions will be inappropriate and unhealthy. Our goal should be to be properly excited about what is really important.
Wisdom calls us to base feelings on accurate information, not on distortions. This is what Julia failed to do. Her emotions created an image of Matt that wasn't real. She rushed heart-first into the relationship with her eyes closed. Her marathon conversation with Matt on their first date created a false sense of knowledge. They revealed parts of themselves that were very intimate but didn't get the reality check of time or observe each other in different contexts. The effect was to give them the impression that they were closer than they really were.
In the season of courtship we have to fight the tendency to fill what's lacking in our knowledge of the other person with emotion based on fantasy. If we don't know something about him or her, we need to talk, ask probing questions, and discover who they really are-their values, their motivations, their goals. We need to move beyond typical, artificial dating activities and observe each other in real-life settings-in families, in church life, with friends, handling pressure at work. Courtship is a time to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the one we love. Then our emotions and decisions about the relationship can be based on fact.
The skillful romance I've been talking about doesn't disdain or rule out emotions and passion. But it does call us to make sure that these feelings are flowing from reality, not rationalization. We
58
want the true character of someone to win our heart. We want our emotions to respond to who they really are and to the true status of the relationship.
Are You Ready for Courtship?
The problems we see in relationships today-the impatience, the lack of purpose, and the misguided emotions-are all expressions of foolishness. We need wisdom. Wisdom complements romance. Like the string attached to the kite, wisdom enables romance to really soar. It anchors it, disciplines it, and brings it to its highest potential. Again, the tension is good.
When the emotional winds get dangerously strong, wisdom pulls the kite down to safety so it won't be destroyed. That's what happened in Rich and Christy's story. Even though it was difficult, they grounded their romantic relationship because it wasn't the right time for it to fly.
I talk to many young couples like Rich and Christy who ask, "How do we know when it's the right time to start a courtship?" The basic answer to this question is that you're ready to start a courtship when you can match romance with wisdom.
In
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