Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn by Kris Radish Read Free Book Online Page A

myself.
    “Meggie.” My name is a sentence. I hear it and my eyes cloud.
    “I never say this,” Bianna continues when I don't speak. “It goes against everything I believe in and know to be true. But you have to do this—and this is all you get from me until you are ready, and you will know when you are ready. You have to take a giant step backward.”
    “What?”
    “That's it. Backward. It's a terrible word. I never use it, but your case is extreme.”
    “I've gone backward instead of forward.”
    “You are too analytical. You have to go back before you can go forward. So get off the bed. Go look around. It will be raining in days.”
    She hangs up. That's it. I would say “Jesus Fucking Christ” but I hate those words, especially all in a row like that, and I am pretty sure Jesus is a woman who is too busy for this shit. Raining in days? Backward?
    “Get up,” I tell myself. “How hard can that be?”
    I have to trust someone and it may as well be Bianna and it's pretty obvious that I have no clue.
    My legs miraculously move and I shuffle around the bedroom that I should have made into an office three years ago. Should have? Shaun has left everything in his bedroom except his clothes, a radio and the book of poetry he read like a Bible. He spent the entire last year of high school in this room, at the houses of his friends Andy and Josh, and at school. Then he left. Angry, a loner, closing in on a life path that will fuel his need to understand how everything works and is connected. Where did I fail him? How did I fail him? Did he see me moving toward this terrible place of uncertainty? What secret did he never share?
    Katie interrupts me. Her presence awakens something mildly psychotic in me. If she weren't in my life, I would not be back in this bedroom. Would I have ever come back here? Damn it. Damn her.
    “What do you want?” I snarl.
    “Geez, Mom, I was just checking to see if you are okay.”
    I snap. Just like that. She freezes in place.
    “No, I am not fucking okay. Are you kidding me? Okay? How the hell can I be okay? Your father screws around with other women. I hate this house and my life and what I do every goddamn day. I'm a robot. I have no idea who I am. Not one little clue. I'm lost and confused as hell. Look at me, for crissakes, Katie. I'm standing in my son's old bedroom looking at pieces of a life that no longer exists. I am not fucking okay, do you get that? I AM NOT OKAY.”
    By the time I am finished I am screaming. Katie has been struck dumb. She is standing in front of me with her arms hanging at her sides as if they have been severed and any movement will make them fall off and drop to the floor. Her beautiful mouth is wedged open just an inch. Her eyes are as big as bike wheels. I can see her heart trying desperately to get outside of her body. It is thumping against her chest and her shirt is rising and falling, rising and falling each time her heart pounds to be released. Has she ever heard me scream like this? I think not, and I feel water spilling over the dam, but this is nothing. Nothing at all. The dam will break eventually, but I cannot go on. Katie has not moved and there are tears running down her face. I do what I always do, what every mother does, what I cannot stop myself from doing.
    “Baby, sweet baby. Come here.”
    Katie is in my arms and sobbing into my shoulder. Her weight against my chest is solid and warm. I say nothing. We cry together for a good five minutes and I let her go first. She pulls back just slightly and I wipe the tears from beneath her eyes with my fingers. Everything about her is familiar and soft. I know how her tears fall toward her chin and where they will land. I know she wants everything to be perfect and that she is desperate to get good grades so she can get into a college that I will never be able to afford. I know how she sleeps with her left leg pulled up as high as it will go and an old pink stuffed kitten wrapped in her hand. I