Defector by Susanne Winnacker Read Free Book Online

you’d hate it if you knew that I could read your emotions.”
    “Yes, you knew how much I would hate it, and that’s why you were glad that Major’s order gave you a justification not to tell me. At least admit that.”
    “No,” he said. He gripped my hands. “I hated that I had to lie to you. Please, you have to believe me.”
    I wanted to believe him. But that didn’t change the fact that he’d violated my privacy without my knowledge for the past two years. “So you always knew what I was feeling? And even now you can read my emotions, right?”
    We stared at each other. He dropped his gaze and sighed. “Yes. But it isn’t something I can just switch off. Even if I don’t want to, and, believe me, most of the time I’d be glad to be spared having to deal with everyone’s emotions all the time. Sometimes I manage to tune it out, but it’s not always easy.”
    I tried to imagine how it must be, to be overwhelmed with the myriad of emotions from people around me, with their fears and worries. Sometimes I could hardly stand seeing the sadness on Holly’s face. How much worse would it be if I could actually feel it like it was my own? A tiny part of me felt sorry for Alec, but the bigger part held on to my anger.
    “Have you ever manipulated me?” I asked.
    “I could manipulate people’s emotions if I tried,” he said slowly. “But it would be a breach of FEA rules, you know that.”
    “That doesn’t mean you’ve never done it. Answer my question. Yes or no. Have you ever manipulated me?”
Please say no
, I thought. But I knew that he’d be lying if he did.
    “Only for your own good. I wanted to help you,” he said reluctantly. “I couldn’t stand to see you scared. I shouldn’t have done it.”
    “They are
my
emotions. I can handle them.”
    Alec shook his head in despair. “Tess,” he whispered. “I’m really sorry.”
    Sorry that I found out?
I wondered, but I didn’t say it. How could I ever be sure about anything around him?
    “You don’t trust me,” he said.
    “Did you just gather that from my feelings?” I asked.
    He sagged against the wall of the dojo. His eyes looked tired. “I know you’re upset, but even if I couldn’t read your emotions, I’d know it from the look on your face.”
    I wrapped my arms around my chest, as if that could stop him from looking into my heart, from seeing everything I didn’t want him or anyone else to know. I thought of all the times I’d lusted after him and all the nights I’d imagined kissing him. Even now, thinking about how he must have felt my desire for him every time we were close made me want to run and hide from the shame. But what if he had been responsible for my feelings? “So you never made me feel something I didn’t?” I whispered.
    He frowned, then his eyes widened. “You mean your feelings for me?”
    I couldn’t bear looking at him, so I stared at the floor-to-ceiling mirrors lining the other end of the dojo. One of them had a crack in it that had been there for months.
    He touched my shoulders, bringing our bodies so close together that I could feel his warmth. “I’d never have done that, Tess. What kind of person do you think I am?”
    “I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew you, and suddenly it turns out you’ve been keeping a huge secret from me. I have to think about it. I—I just feel so unprotected.” Even that admission made me feel even more vulnerable. But what did it matter around Alec? All of my feelings were fair game.
    Alec’s hands slid off my shoulders. “I always hated that part of me. It was why my parents hated me, why they couldn’t stand being in a room with me, much less looking at me. It’s why they wanted me gone. I always knew that this Variation more than my strength would scare people.”
    I took a deep breath. “I think we need a few days away from each other. I still—”
Love you.
I didn’t say it. I couldn’t, not when a part of me hated him at the same