Dog Training The American Male by L. A. Knight Read Free Book Online

thing, so she made up this convoluted story about Dad being killed
in a horrible accident. It really screwed with my head.”
    “What did she tell you?”
    Jacob blushed. “I can’t. It’s too
embarrassing.”
    Nancy smiled. “Oh, come on—how
bad can it be?”
    “Pretty damn bad.”
    Nancy hesitated, then leaned in
and kissed him, her tongue swirling around his before slowly pulling out.
    Jacob opened his eyes. “Wow.”
    “I have trust issues, Jacob. Men
who are vulnerable are easier for me to trust.”
    “I’m your man . . . that’s
definitely me.”
    “Then take a chance and trust me.
Tell me what your mother told you about your father’s death that screwed you up
so badly.”
    Jacob hesitated, then smirked. “She
told me our last name had been Riesfeldt—she changed it to Cope after Dad’s
death so that we could cope with the accident that killed him. She said my father—Friedrich
Riesfeldt was a famous zookeeper and that he was needed in Germany to help a
very sick elephant that was constipated. She said Dad got drunk on the plane
ride over and ended up giving the elephant too much animal laxative. Dad passed
out and the animal let loose, burying my father beneath two hundred pounds of
pachyderm poop.”
    “Oh my.” Nancy covered her mouth,
hiding her grin. “And you believed her?”
    “I was young, plus the story was
all over the Internet—she showed me the picture.” Jacob took out his iPhone and
did a quick search for zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt.
    Sure enough, dozens of reference
articles appeared, several under the “Darwin Awards,” a spoof award presented
to those suffering the dumbest deaths imaginable.
     
    (Paderborn Germany) Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan
22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper
under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved
beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where
he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to
evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he
suffocated."It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
happen."
     
    “Oh my God, the woman’s
diabolical. But Jacob, you do know the story’s not real.”
    “I was a kid. You see the name
and the photo and your father’s gone and what was I supposed to believe? Vin
waited two years before letting me know my mother had made the whole thing up.
Of course, by that time you can imagine how screwed up I was. To this day, I
still can’t go to the circus or zoo. I only started voting Democrat two
presidential elections ago.”
    “Because of the elephant symbol?”
    “Because of Sarah Palin. The
woman’s bat-shit crazy.”
    “Palin or your mother? Sorry, I
shouldn’t judge.”
    “Ma was hurting. I found out years
later that my father had been having an affair. I guess she wanted to taint my
memory of him. Hell hath no fury like a pissed-off Jewish mother.”
    Nancy reached out and held Jacob’s
hand. “Thank you for sharing your story with me. One day, if I get over my own
fears, I may share my own father’s story with you.”
    “Did he molest you or something?”
    “Nothing like that.”
    “Was he a zoo keeper?”
    “No, and stop guessing. After you
lost your job with Lehman Brothers, what did you do?”
     Jacob exhaled. “Boy, that’s a
long story. Right now, I’m working as an I.T. tech in Boca. It’s just a filler
job. I’ve been training for a far more lucrative career.”
    “Programming analyst for