God Is Disappointed In You by Mark Russell Read Free Book Online

directly into Goliath’s skull, killing him instantly. Then he lifted the giant’s heavy sword into the air, and brought it down with a thud, decapitating Goliath.  
    The Philistines ran away, terrified by what the sandwich boy had just done to their best soldier.
    Everybody loved David. He slew giants, won battles, and he was a terrific dancer. All this attention to David left Saul feeling like old cheese. When David asked to marry the princess, Michal, Saul tried to get rid of him by demanding the unhygienic dowry of two hundred Philistine foreskins. But this just added to his legend. David killed two hundred Philistines, and cut off their foreskins, without even getting a rash. 
    Tired of subtlety, Saul simply sent a platoon of soldiers to go kill David in his sleep. But David’s fast-thinking wife stuffed a mannequin into his bed to fool the assassins while David escaped, which is, quite literally, the oldest trick in the book.
    Now on the lam, David went to the town of Nob, where some sympathetic priests gave him a few loaves of holy bread which was reserved for men who weren’t sexually active. They also gave him Goliath’s sword, which was being kept as a museum piece. When Saul heard about this, he was so peeved that he had everyone in the town of Nob put to death, including the priests. 
    Armed with Goliath’s sword and his abstinence bread, David rallied together six hundred drinking buddies, whom he called his “Mighty Men.” Saul and his army pursued David and the Mighty Men all over Israel. He was so hot on their trail that he almost stumbled upon them by accident at the Crag of Wild Goats. Saul walked into a cave to take a piss, unaware that David and his men were hiding inside. The Mighty Men kept chuckling and nudging David, daring him to chop Saul’s head off while he was peeing. Instead, David quietly cut off a small sliver of the king’s robe. When Saul returned to his camp, David emerged from the cave and called out to him. The king turned to see David holding a piece of his robe, proving that he could have killed Saul if he’d wanted to.
    This act of mercy filled Saul with shame, but not enough shame to stop him from his quest to kill David. Unable to live safely in Israel, David and his friends went to live with the Philistines. They spent their days drinking and robbing nearby towns. Whenever the king of the Philistines asked David to go raiding for them, he would. Only instead of attacking a town in Israel, he’d attack a Philistine town.
He’d kill every man, woman and child, so no one could tattle on him. The king got his plunder and he got to kill Philistines. It was a win-win situation.
    “I guess this is my life now,” David said, resigning himself to the fate of an armed burglar. But then, one day after coming back from work, David found the Philistines celebrating. They had just won a huge battle against Israel.
Saul had committed suicide to avoid capture. True to his word, God had cleared the way to make David the new king of Israel.
    A deal is a deal.

The 2nd Book of Samuel
    After a bit of persuading, most of which consisted of stabbing people in the gut, David was named King of Israel. David realized that there was more to becoming king than stabbing people in the gut, though. You’re never really king until people think of you as king. But ruling your kingdom from a goat farm doesn’t convince people. That’s what conspicuous consumption is for. David realized that he needed a capital city, a palace, and a harem. The hallmarks of a legitimate ruler.
    There was a city named Jebus on the border of Israel, which would make a perfectly nice capital city. So as his first official act in office, David conquered the city and killed off the locals. After mopping up all the blood and burning the corpses, David named his new capital Jerusalem, meaning “City of Peace.”  
    Then David built himself a palace. Once he felt cozy in his new throne, David ordered the Ark of the