God Is Disappointed In You by Mark Russell Read Free Book Online Page A

Covenant to be brought to Jerusalem, where it would be welcomed with a big parade. Samuel had long since died, but luckily, the prophet Nathan was on hand to arrange the rituals and make sure that the parade went off okay and the Ark didn’t kill anybody.
    Now, there are basically two kinds of people in the world: those who hate parades and morons. On this particular day, David was one of the latter. He got so into the parade that he stood up inside the royal box and started dancing.
As the crowd cheered, his dancing got wilder and wilder. He threw his legs into the air. He flailed around so hard that he accidentally flashed his dick to the nation, which really upset his wife Michal.  
    “Nice, David, really nice,” Michal said, scolding him. “It’s bad enough that you did that God-awful dance, but then to expose yourself? To the slaves and everyone?”
    David mumbled defensively.  
    “What did you say?” Michal growled.
    “I said it was just a tip slip.”  
    “It was a humiliation, is what it was! What, were you raised by farm animals?”
    “Sort of.”

    David did not like being reminded of his redneck past. He went to bed without even giving Michal a goodnight kiss. Apparently God apparently took David’s side, because he cursed Michal with infertility, which may or may not be a nice way of saying that David stopped sleeping with her. 
    Though he had soured on Michal, David was still hot into women. He soon began collecting wives and concubines like they were matchbox cars.  
    When David heard that the king of the neighboring Ammonites had died, David sent ambassadors to extend his condolences, one king to another. But the new king thought David’s ambassadors to be spies, so he thought it would be funny to square off the ends of their beards and cut their robes so short that they barely covered their testicles. Then he forced them to walk all the way back to Israel in this hilarious get-up.  
    “They don’t respect me, do they?” David asked. The ambassadors in their mini-skirts shook their heads. “They don’t think of me as a real king. So I need to respond the way a real king should.” While the ambassadors changed their clothes, David declared war.
    Needing to take a break from planning the war, David walked out onto his balcony, where he saw a woman named Bathsheba bathing outside his palace. He immediately became infatuated with her. When he found out that she was married, he sent her husband, a soldier named Uriah, on a suicide mission against the Ammonites. Once he was out of the way, David married Bathsheba and she soon became his favorite wife.
    David was an able general and a successful king. He routed the Ammonites and destroyed the Philistines. He had single-handedly taken Israel from a failed state to a world power. But his home life was a mess. His wives were constantly scheming against each other and their kids were constantly at each other’s throats.  
    Most of the real trouble started when his daughter Tamar was raped by her half-brother, Amnon.
The law was unclear on this matter. On the one hand, having raped Tamar, the law now required Amnon to marry her. On the other hand, the law forbade brothers and sisters from marrying. It was a loophole Moses had failed to foresee.
    David’s solution to the dilemma was to forget the whole thing happened. So Tamar’s older brother, Absalom, took justice into his own hands and killed her rapist.   Absalom, who was mostly known for his long, luxuriant hair, went on the run. Just as his father had done decades before, he gathered his friends and supporters and declared himself king. Then he rode into Jerusalem, stabbing anyone who disagreed. Not wanting to get stabbed, David left town and hid in the countryside. While David was raising an army to take back his throne, Absalom made himself at home in his father’s palace.  
    Just like his father, Absalom wondered what he could do to convince people that he was the real king. The answer