God Is Disappointed In You by Mark Russell Read Free Book Online Page B

he came up with was to have sex with David’s concubines on the roof, so that everyone could see him. 
    Leading an army, with the throne of Israel on the line, David returned in force, and creamed Absalom’s army. While fleeing the battle, Absalom got his long, beautiful hair caught on a tree branch which pulled him off his horse and left him dangling helplessly from a tree. When his pursuers found him hanging there like a piñata, they couldn’t help but whack at him with their swords and spears. Unfortunately, no candy came pouring out of Absalom, just blood and organs. 
    Despite the fact that he had stolen his throne and had sex with his girlfriends, David was torn by grief when he heard that Absalom was dead.  
    David’s reign was a big success, but he was losing sons and daughters left and right. The palace, the capital city, all his war trophies, they did nothing for him now. He was a heartbroken and haunted man.
    “Haven’t I done everything God has asked of me?” David wondered. “Didn’t I kill all the right foreigners? Why would God do this to me?”
    The Prophet Nathan had an answer to this riddle. He told David about a rich farmer who lived nearby. This farmer was so rich he was practically shitting sheep and goats. His neighbor, on the other hand, was a poor man who had only one sheep and that little animal was all he owned in the world. Despite having so much, the rich farmer killed the poor man, took his one little sheep and pushed into his flock, where it promptly disappeared becoming just one more sheep. 
    “Your majesty, what do you think we should do with this farmer?” he asked. 
    King David responded immediately, “What do you mean? Bring him here. I’ll kill him right now.” Nathan then revealed that David was the farmer. The farmer’s crime was what he himself had done to poor Uriah. “If you would have a man executed for doing what you have done, then how can you expect anything less from God? God might want you to be king. But just because God put you in a position to pull shit like that,” Nathan said, “that doesn’t mean he has to let you get away with it.”

The 1 st Book of Kings
    King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn’t have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.
    The presence of a human hot water bottle notwithstanding, David was dying. His wife Bathsheba was afraid that once he died, her son Solomon would be killed by his older brothers.
    So Bathsheba tricked David into passing over the crown prince Adonijah and naming Solomon as his successor, even though Solomon was his youngest son. In what would later become a common tactic in scams against the elderly, she told David that he had already promised to do it, but had simply forgotten. 
    David died, making Solomon King of Israel. When Adonijah stopped by the palace for a rather awkward family visit, Bathsheba met him at the door.  
    “What do you want?” she asked.
    “Look, I just wanted to say that you have nothing to worry about from me. Solomon’s king now and I’m totally cool with that,” he said. “Things don’t always work out the way they should—I’ve come to accept that. Anyway, I’m not here to cause you any trouble. All I want to ask from you is one tiny favor.”
    “Like what?”
    “I want to marry the human hot water bottle.”
    “Really? That’s it? I thought you were going to ask for half the kingdom or something.”
    “I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic!” he shrugged.
    Bathsheba went to Solomon and told him about Adonijah’s request.
    “A pretty reasonable request under the circumstances,” she added.  
    “Woman, please! If I approve this marriage, I might as well have my brother fitted for the crown. My claim to the throne is shaky, at best. Suppose they get married and the human hot water bottle then