Inspector Hobbes and the Blood: A Fast-paced Comedy Crime Fantasy (unhuman) by Wilkie Martin Read Free Book Online Page A

acknowledged him with a cheery
wave and waited his chance, managing to sneak in front of the van as it tried
to accelerate, controlling its speed and position until, as soon as the inside
lane was clear, he forced it to stop on the verge.
    'Right,'
he said, 'let's see what this clown's problem is.'
    Once
the immediate prospect of death had receded, I was horrified to hear him speak
so disrespectfully about a member of the public, and might have said something,
had he not already burst from the car and been marching towards the van. Scrambling
after him, I was glad, at least, that the wrath of Hobbes would be directed at
someone else. Despite the glare of the red dipping sun on the windscreen, the
van driver's face was pale and I wondered how I'd look after being stopped in
such a manner.
    Hobbes
rapped on the window, which hummed open, and leant into the van. What he said
next took me completely by surprise.
    'Who
d'you think you are? Stirling Moss?'
    A
soft Irish voice replied, 'No, Inspector, it's Pete Moss – as you well know.'
    'You're
a clown.'
    I
winced.
    'I
am that.'
    The
man was wearing full clown make-up and regalia, except for the big boots, which
were lying along the passenger seat, on top of a huge suitcase.
    'Why
are you in such a hurry?' asked Hobbes. 'Don't you know speed kills?'
    I
nodded vigorous agreement.
    'Actually,
Inspector, it's usually the abrupt cessation of speed that kills, but I take
your point. I'm rushing because I'm booked to entertain some sick children at
Pigton Hospital and I'm running late. I got delayed by … business and I'm not
sure quite where I'm going. I'd hate to disappoint those poor kids.'
    Hobbes,
smiling, nodded. 'Alright, Pete. Follow me. Move yourself, Andy – and quickly.'
    He
hustled me back to the car and I threw myself into the passenger seat, just in
time. From somewhere, he whipped out a blue-flashing light, sticking it on the
roof, and speeding off, Pete Moss's van close behind. He turned on a siren and
we hurtled towards the big town, ignoring traffic lights and give-way signs,
forcing other vehicles out of our way. A sign flashed by saying 'Pigton 10',
yet I could have sworn that within five minutes we were screeching into the
hospital car park.
    Hobbes
opened the window, pointing to a low, modern building as the clown got out. 'The
children's ward's over there. Mind how you go in future.'
    'I
will that,' said Pete, running towards the hospital, struggling with his case,
a giant boot wedged beneath each arm.
    'Nice
chap,' said Hobbes, accelerating away, cutting through the traffic like a
scimitar through tissue paper. 'I barely recognised him under all the makeup. I
knew him when he was a lad, you know.'
    'Shouldn't
you turn the siren off?' I asked, embarrassed, as well as scared.
    'All
in good time. We've got a film to catch.'
    He
turned it off as we reached the cinema car park. I barely had time to get out
before he'd locked up and was marching towards the foyer, pulling out his
wallet and removing some cash. The wallet was small and hairy and strangely
disturbing. I wished I hadn't seen it.
    'Two
for screen one, please, miss.' He slapped his money down in front of the
cashier.
    Her
hands shook as she handed him the tickets.
    'Let's
go.'
    I
followed because I'd had no time to consider my options. I didn't even know
what was showing. When we took our seats in the gloom, the auditorium was
half-empty, which was fortunate as he overspilled his seat and I had to make
myself comfortable in the next but one. Though the film was already in progress,
he shuffled out for a quiet word with the projectionist and very soon it restarted.
I don't remember its name: it was a Western and not the sort of thing I'd
normally go for, though it passed the time enjoyably enough. Hobbes barely
moved during the next hour and a half and once or twice I glanced at him as he
watched the screen through narrowed eyes, apparently entranced.
    He
emerged from his trance only once, when a