Inspector Hobbes and the Blood: A Fast-paced Comedy Crime Fantasy (unhuman) by Wilkie Martin Read Free Book Online Page B

spiky-haired, baggy-shirted youth in
the seat in front opened a bumper-sized packet of crisps. From deep inside
Hobbes's chest emerged a rumble of disapproval. The youth, ignoring it, munching
his crisps, kept scrunching the bag, until, after a few seconds, Hobbes leaned
forward and tapped him a crushing blow on the shoulder.
    'I
am a police officer,' he whispered, his voice as soft as a hurricane, 'and I
must warn you, that unless you desist from making that noise, and quickly, I
will arrest you.'
    The
youth had guts. He rubbed his shoulder, looking back over it, barely flinching.
'On what charge?'
    'Rustling,'
Hobbes drawled. 'See there?' He pointed to the screen, where the broken body of
Luke Kinkade dangled from the gallows. 'Some places you can still be hung for
rustling and don't you forget it, boy.'
    The
youth had the good sense to turn away and keep quiet. Hobbes settled back with
a contented sigh, watching in rapt silence until a shootout signalled the end.
As we got up to leave, the youth turned, as if planning to say something.
Hobbes put his head to one side, sticking out his tongue, twisting his mouth
horribly, making a hanged man gesture, until the youth fled. I felt rather
sorry for him but Hobbes was smiling like a cheerful wolf.
    There
was something of a nip in the air as we left the cinema under a sky seemingly
weighed down with cloud.
    'I
enjoyed that,' said Hobbes, walking to the car. 'Now it's time to go home for
supper. A nice dish of gnome, I expect.' He grinned evilly. 'Hop in and I'll
drop you off at your flat or anywhere else you like. I expect you'll be hungry
again by now.'
    I
nodded, the hot scent of charred steak from some nearby eatery moistening my
mouth. Swallowing, I got into the car, as if hypnotised. 'Can you drop me at
the Greasy Pole?'
    Hobbes
was easing the car through the car park as he waited his opportunity to flatten
the accelerator pedal. 'The Greasy Pole! By heck, Andy, you do like flirting
with danger. Have you heard what Eric does with his—? No, that's unfair, it was
never proven, although you won't ever find one of our lads in there, except
when we have to escort the rat catchers.'
    'I
ate a burger and chips there a couple of days ago,' I said.
    'And
you're still with us?' There was a hint of admiration in his voice. 'Isn't
nature wonderful?'
    As
we reached the main road, the car leaped forward, weaving through the traffic
like a skier down the slalom.
    Clutching
the seat until we were back on the dual carriageway and there seemed less
immediate chance of being smashed into eternal darkness, I had a few minutes for
reflection. 'Actually, could you drop me at the Cheery Chippy? I'm not sure I fancy
the Greasy Pole tonight.'
    When
at last we stopped, I opened my eyes to find we were outside the Cheery Chippy.
Something seemed odd, disorienting, until I realised he'd gone the wrong way
down a one way street. I didn't know why I was surprised.
    'D'you
know this is a one way street?' I asked.
    'Of
course. I was only going one way.'
    'But
don't the arrows mean anything to you?'
    'Arrows
usually mean an attack by them pesky redskins. There ain't too many redskins in
Sorenchester.'
    I
nodded, knowing I was wasting my time.
    'Right, Andy, off you go and get your chips.
I'll pick you up at your place at ten.' He drove off up the road, forcing two
cars and a bus onto the pavement, and turned out of sight. I heard a screech of
brakes as I stepped into the warm, greasy interior.
    Carrying
my haddock and chips home, I turned on the television, eating, relaxing in the
pool of normality. On finishing my meal, I took a leisurely shower, changed my
clothes and watched more telly, luxuriating in my vegetative state, relieved to
forget all about Hobbes for a few minutes. Of course, that careless thought
took me straight back to thinking about him. There was something about him I
didn't understand at all, something that made me want to run and hide. In his
company I felt like a nervous climber must