Little Battles by N.K. Smith Read Free Book Online

ex-expected?”
    “Tom hasn’t mentioned it, and Helen never cared about, well, anything to do with me really, but school especially. No, I take that back. She cared enough to convince the teachers that she was a decent mom, but when I turned eighteen she would have been rid of me either way, so she didn’t care about choosing a school or applications and all that.”
    “D-do you w-want to go?”
    She shrugged. “Maybe.”
    I was confused. How could she not know if she wanted to go to college or not? “B-but you’re ssssso sssmart. W-why w-wouldn’t you?”
    Her eyes darkened a bit. “Why do you have finished applications just sitting around in your room?”
    I knew her question was asked out of defensiveness, and I didn’t answer.
    “There’s no real point for me to go, Elliott.”
    “W-why not?”
    She sighed. “I’ll most likely be dead or something.” The smile she gave me wasn’t real.
    Fear struck me when I fully realized she wasn’t joking. Graduation wasn’t that far off; did she really think that she’d be dead by then? Was she actively seeking it? “SSSSSSSS-SSSSSSooooo,” I couldn’t even say her name without elongating the S and O, so I gave up. I needed to focus on something to keep the fear from escalating into panic.
    “Come on,” she said as she grabbed the envelopes. “Let’s put these in the mail. I have to get home.”
    “S-S-SSSophie d-d-don’t. N-n-not y-yet.”

    She paused as she opened the drop shoot of the mailbox.
    “I’m guessing that since these don’t have to be completed till next year, you have a chance for early admission, right? I think you should take it.”
    “B-b-but, I…”
    “Elliott,” she said, her voice calm, “while I don’t know what’s happening with me, we both know you’re gonna go to college, and that it’s going to be great. The only way to get there is to be accepted, and the only way to get accepted is to apply.”
    My hands clenched and I pressed my fists into the top of my thighs. She was about to drop the envelopes into the mailbox and then the applications would be out of my hands and into other people’s. “S-S-S-SSSSS…”
    “Elliott,” she said again as she withdrew her hand, still holding the envelopes. “They’re pieces of paper, and it’s just college.”
    But it wasn’t just college. It was new places, new things, and new people. It was the fear of not being good enough, the fear of people not understanding, the fear of rejection, and the fear of never being anything more than the stupid stuttering guy in class. Some degrees required a foreign language. There was no way that I could escape two years of Spanish or Russian or German without having to speak in front of people.
    “I-I c-c-c-can’t…I-I d-d-don’t w-w-w-w…” I was getting anxious and nervous. I didn’t want to have a panic attack over college applications while she watched.
    Her eyes softened and she sighed, moving away from the mailbox as she licked her lips and stopped next to me. She put the envelopes in my hand before reaching up and stroking the side of my head, then tugging at my hair.
    “Just put them in the box, Elliott. Then you don’t have to worry about it anymore. It’ll be done.”
    I gripped the envelopes tightly and closed my eyes, concentrating on the feel of her hand in my hair.
    “What was it Churchill said? ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going’? The only way out is to keep going, and all you have to do is walk to the box, open up the little door, and let those fucking things slide out of your hands. It’ll be okay and you won’t have to think about it anymore.”
    Logically, I knew she was right and that it was ridiculous to be frozen to the spot outside the Damascus Post Office. But I couldn’t help it. I wished it was easier for me to do this. I wished that I was like every other teenager and only put it off because I was lazy. Oh, how I wished that was the case instead of being frozen in panic and fear.
    The