Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Read Free Book Online

conversations. As these couples talked together, almost always there was what Gottman calls “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love and Respect. These are the direct opposite of—and antidote for—contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage.” 1
    Gottman’s findings confirm what has already been in Scripture for some two thousand years. Chapter 5 of Ephesians is considered by many to be the most significant treatise on marriage in the New Testament. Paul concludes these statements on marriage by getting gender specific in verse 33. He reveals commands from the very heart of God as he tells the husband he must love ( agape ) his wife unconditionally and the wife must respect her husband, whether or not her husband comes across as loving. 2
    Note, however, that this verse gives no command to a wife to agape- love her husband. As I studied this verse over the years, I began to ask, “Why is there no command for a wife to agape her husband?” And then it struck me. The Lord has created a woman to love. Her whole approach to nurture, her sensitivity, love, and compassion are all part of her very nature. In short, God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.
    Let’s go a little further with this and skip over to Titus 2:4. Here, older women are told to encourage younger women to love their husbands and children, but in this case, Paul is not talking about agape love. In Titus 2:4, he uses the Greek word phileo, which refers to the human, brotherly kind of love. The point is, a young wife is created to agape her husband and children. Ultimately, she will never stop unconditionally loving them. But in the daily wear and tear of life, she is in danger of becoming discouraged—so discouraged that she may lack phileo. A kind of impatient unfriendliness can come over her. She may scold and sigh way too much. After all, there is always something or someone who needs correcting. She cares deeply. Her motives are filled with agape, but her methods lack phileo .
    Not every woman has this problem, but I have counseled many who admit they do have their periods of negativity concerning husbands or the children. Sometimes this is known as PMS (Pre-Murder Syndrome). Everyone ducks for cover when Mom is in that kind of mood. No one doubts her basic mother love, but sometimes they’re not so sure she really likes them.
    Part of the problem, however, is that women are not at all sure they are being loved, especially by their husbands. The question continues to come up: “Does he love me as much as I love him?” It sure doesn’t seem like it. When he acts (or reacts) in ways that seem unloving to her, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to him. Who started it? Yes!
    “YOU’RE STEPPING ON MY AIR HOSE!”
    The more I meditated on these two passages of Scripture, the more I realized that if a husband is commanded to agape -love his wife, then she truly needs love. In fact, she needs love just as she needs air to breathe. Picture, if you would, the wife having an air hose that goes to a love tank. When her husband bounds in and starts prancing around like a ten-point buck looking for someplace to graze, he steps on her air hose. This does not make her a happy camper. In fact, if she can find a baseball bat or some other weapon, she might just whack the big buck and tell him, “Get off my air hose; I can’t breathe.” Simply put, when her deepest need is being stepped on, you can expect her to react negatively.
    In counseling, I tell the husband that when he sees the spirit of his wife deflate, he is stepping on her air hose. She is not getting the “air” she needs to breathe. She is crying out, “I feel unloved by you right now. I can’t believe how unloving this feels. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”
    Not only is the husband commanded to love his wife, but the wife