Love in the Time of Climate Change by Brian Adams Read Free Book Online Page B

fun, healthy, and much, much better than anything you will ever find on television.”
    There was a final burst of applause, accompanied by a few hoots and hollers from the boys in the back.
    â€œNot to be overdramatic but, for those of you who do, please, for yourselves, for your future, for the future of life on this precious planet…” He reached back into the magic genie lamp and pulled out the condom. “Put this on!”
    He bowed, passed around the lamp which just so happened to be loaded with condoms, and thanked us all for our attention.
    My students flocked to him, asking questions and pressing for additional details. I couldn’t help but notice the Twenty-Nine-Year-Old reaching out and lightly touching his arm, profusely thanking him. Pressed for time and needing to leave, he was still surrounded by students as he made his exit.
    I knew I should have been appreciative. He had had the class eating out of the palm of his hand. I knew I should have been thankful. They’d be referencing his presentation for weeks.
    But, as ludicrous as it was, I couldn’t help but agonize over the situation. Samantha didn’t touch
me
on the arm or tell
me
how wonderful I was. How could she fawn allover him like that? He wasn’t an inch over five feet. He was old. He had lost a few of his teeth and most of his hair.
    Self-centered, narcissistic, delusional ass that I was, I was consumed with jealousy.
    I had just placed the opened condom on my finger and was wagging it in the air, making a point to the invisible masses that I was every bit as awesome as the guest lecturer, when Samantha poked her head around the corner.
    â€œHey,” she said.
    â€œHey,” I replied, stopping my finger in mid wag, which sent the condom flying across the room.
    â€œI’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?” she asked.
    â€œNo, no, of course not,” I stammered, feeling the blush creeping through my face. “I’m just … tidying things up here.”
    â€œI can see that!”
    I made my way across the room, picked up the condom, and dropped it into the trash can.
    â€œAnyway,” she continued, “I just came to tell you how fabulous Mister Condom was! Thanks for inviting him. Think I’d get fired if I had him speak to my seventh graders?”
    â€œJob security is overrated,” I laughed. “Anyway, ’tis always better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.”
    â€œHmm…” she pondered. “I better sleep on that one.”
    She bent down and picked up one of the unopened condoms that had fallen underneath one of the desks.
    â€œHere,” she said, handing it to me, smiling. “Somebody must have dropped it. I won’t be needing it.”
    Awkwardly, I took it out of her hand.
    â€œAnyway, have a wonderful weekend,” she said, turning to leave.
    â€œYou too,” I replied.
    I sat back down on my desk to catch my breath, waiting for the pounding in my chest to subside.
    â€”
    â€œIt can mean a lot of things,” Jesse said. He was pondering the words of the Twenty-Nine-Year-Old. As always, I had told him everything. This was, after all, the kind of shit he lived for.
    â€œOne: Just like I said. She’s a lesbian.”
    â€œFor the last time, she was not—”
    â€œâ€”Holding hands with that woman. Whatever. Two: She’s on the pill and doesn’t need them. Which seems extremely likely. She’s totally hot, she’s employed, how could she not be in a relationship?”
    â€œWhoa!” I cautioned. “Wait just a minute. We’re hot. We’re employed. We’re not in relationships.”
    Jesse snickered dismissively.
    â€œI’ll pretend you didn’t just say that. Reason Three: She’s a nun and has taken a vow of celibacy and forsaken the pleasures of the flesh for a marriage to Christ.”
    â€œJesus, give me a break.”
    â€œI’m simply