Make My Heart Beat by Liz King Read Free Book Online

months following the accident. It seems you get violent and not yourself when you drink.” John uncrossed his arms and braced his hands on the ledge. “I smelled the alcohol on you when I got to the hospital Saturday night. I know you had been drinking.”
    Yeah. I got in quite a few fights after Kaitlin died. My parents were blaming me. I was blaming me. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to numb the pain. Alcohol and fighting distracted me. When I saw Sly carrying Lynae through the window Friday night, I believed the crazy thoughts running through my bourbon-saturated brain and the pain got worse. I drank more Jim Beam than any one person should be able to tolerate. I wanted the empty feeling in my chest to go away. “I was drunk. I wasn’t myself. I want to kill myself for what I did. You have to believe me.”
    “Son, I do believe you. I have a feeling your drinking has to with your guilt over Kaitlin. Am I right?”
    The pain from the night Kaitlin died came crashing down on me. I fell to the floor and buried my face in my hands. “It was all my fault. I should have taken her home. I should have been there for her. I always fuck everything up. Kaitlin, Lynae. Everything.”
    Completely taking me by surprise, John knelt down beside me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You weren’t driving. You didn’t cause the accident. Yes, you probably should have been the one to take her home, but she was an adult. She could have made the decision to not get in a car with someone who had been drinking. You can’t change the past. It wasn’t your fault.”
    Wade, Marcus and Seth have told me that very same thing so many times over and over again, whereas my parents always told me that Kaitlin was my responsibility and it was my fault. But for some reason, having John tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong felt different. I can’t explain it. Maybe having a father figure tell me makes it seem like maybe I can start to believe it isn’t my fault.
    “I know you’re hurting from your past, but you can’t let that destroy your future. Lynae is going to need you. She may not know it right now, but she does.”
    “How can you say these things to me? Don’t you hate me?” I asked incredulously.
    “Last night, after she told me what happened, I wanted to kill you. All I saw was red. You hurt the most precious thing in the world to me, but I know that deep down she still loves you. She’s hurting, and I know you love her. You need to get your act together. You’re going to have to fight for her. Give her time, but you will have to fight.”
    Leaving me sitting on the floor, completely raw and exposed, John got up and walked out of the apartment.
    I hold on to his words. She still loves me. Her father would know. He says I have to fight for her.
    I keep playing that conversation over and over in my head. It’s been two days since he came by. I will fight for her. I know I have to give her time to heal. Emotionally and physically. I just don’t know how long I can go without seeing her face. Holding her in my arms. Running my fingers through her hair. Kissing her lips. I need her. God, I need her.
    ~
    “She’s supposed to be going home today.” Wade says as he walks into the kitchen.
    I’ve been getting updates from him and Gabbi. And a text here and there from John. I still can’t believe he's actually talking to me right now. I told him I’d give her time, but I can’t help myself. I’ve left message after message on Lynae’s cell, but I still haven’t heard back from her. I’m guessing she still doesn’t have her phone with her. At least, that’s what I’m holding on to. The reality is probably that Lynae is ignoring every single text and voicemail I leave her. I don’t blame her one bit. I just wish she would give me a chance to talk to her one more time. My world is nothing, colorless, without her vibrancy. She lights up everything for me. My chest feels hollow and dead inside.
    I did go up to