My Soon-To-Be Sex Life by Judith Tewes Read Free Book Online

scheme, guilting the masses into shops at every heart-tugging change of season. It was all puppies and unicorns, with fine details like adultery and deception, obscured by fancy pink hearts and gold glitter.
    I scanned the document I thought I’d never have to reference again. Two months ago we’d compiled a list of potential devirginizers. I’d gone through more than half the names already. I never expected to seriously consider the ones this far down.
    â€œTHE DEVIRGINIZERS”
    OUTTAKE #2: IT’S SNOT WORKING OUT
    INTERIOR. WEITZ RESIDENCE. BASEMENT. DAY.
    GRAHAM WEITZ, 17, lays, fully clothed, on his waterbed, stares up at the stained ceiling-tiles of his basement dwelling while CHARLIE presses her lips to the crotch of his jeans and blows.
    GRAHAM
    (voice thick and nasal)
    Yeah, that’s hot. She makes a grab for his zipper.
    GRAHAM
    (bolting upright)
    Wait, I have to sneeze again.
    He barely gets the words out when he lets loose an explosion of phlegm and mucus.
    CHARLIE
    (wiping face with sleeve)
    You know what? It’s snot working out.
    Graham looks bleak, but it could just be his cold. Charlie tries to alleviate his disappointment.
    CHARLIE
    I have my period anyway, so, it’s probably for the best. Let’s just grab some of that chicken soup your mom’s making for lunch, okay?
    END OF OUTTAKE
    â€œWhat about Duncan?” Roach asked. “We should have added him from the start.”
    â€œDrunken Duncan?” I made a face. “I don’t think I can do it. I saw his thing once in sixth grade. He flashed me underwater during swimming lessons.”
    Roach made a face. “That’s horrifying. I never go into pools, ever. Even hotel showers make me nervous. You know how many penises have flopped around in those things?”
    I laughed, and then looked away from the screen. “None of these will do, Ty was as low as I’m willing to stoop. My life is too fucked up.”
    â€œIs that a hint?” Roach asked. “Should we talk about your mom now?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œWant me to hug you? I will if you really want me to, but you know how I like my personal space.”
    I shook my head.
    â€œOkay then, we need to think outside the box, look beyond lists, forget guys from our school.” Roach shut her laptop. She spread her arms out, palms up like she was listening to the word of God. “There must be someone in town who rocks your boat.” She closed her eyes. “I can feel it, you’re holding back. Every girl has a crush she won’t admit to. Fess up. Give me a name and I promise you, we’ll get your cherry well-and-truly popped.”
    I thought of him, of course I did.
    â€œAnd if he’s nameless?” I sighed. “A nameless, fantastically good looking guy I made an ass of myself in front of once, and can’t forget? What do we do then?”
    Roach opened her eyes.
    â€œWe pray.”
    â€œNot to be deliberately hurtful or insensitive, but…” I blew her a raspberry.
    â€œOkay, I’ll pray, while you confess. Tell me child,” she intoned, “who is the one who wets your drawers?”
    Five minutes later Roach was bashing my head with both pillows. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.
    â€œAre. You. Out. Of. Your. Mind?” Each word was punctuated with a wallop to my noggin. “He could have been a serial killer! Or worse, he could have had crabs!”
    â€œRight,” I said when she paused for a breather, “having crabs is much worse than having Hannibal Lecter eat your liver. I never said we did it , or I saw his schlong or anything, so I don’t see how his crab infestation, or lack of one, comes into the equation.”
    Exhausted, Roach slid to the floor, resting her back against the lopsided Ikea dresser we had assembled last year. We’d resorted to reverse engineering at one point and it showed. I still had the earrings we made with the leftover