Nothing Like You by Lauren Strasnick Read Free Book Online

anything, it only tookabout a minute before his hands were laced around my waist from behind. He pulled me into him. “Don’t do that,” I said.
     
    His face was buried into the back of my neck. “Do what?” He took a breath. His hands slid up my shirt.
     
    “That,” I whispered, “don’t do that.” I turned onto my back. He kissed me. And it wasn’t like last time, in the car. Last time felt wrong, but this time felt great. So funny, how something so wrong can feel so right. How before at the beach it all felt so empty, and how now, hating him and wanting him and feeling guilty about Saskia all rolled into one really wonderful feeling. He slipped my shirt over my head. “Can I stay here tonight, Holly?”
     
    “You have to leave before Jeff gets up.”
     
    I could hear him sliding his pants off under the covers. “I think about you all the time,” he said, and then he pulled me into him and I let him say sweet things to me, I let him slide off my underwear. “Is this okay?” he asked, running a hand across my stomach. I nodded and brushed my lips against his lips. I knew there was another person to consider. I knew he loved her and not me. But it was my life and my bed and I wanted to feel what I wanted to feel.
If I die tomorrow,
I thought,
at least I’ll die knowing I felt something real.
     

Chapter 9
     
    So here’s where things started to get a little mixed up.
     
    I suddenly had a secret. And it made me feel guilty, yeah, but I also felt really fantastic. I felt the opposite of dead, really what I’d been striving for, and someone suddenly wanted me in a way I hadn’t been wanted before. I didn’t even mind having to keep things to myself. I mean, I thought the whole situation was really unfortunate, but I knew that I was the one he wanted more. That if she weren’t so fragile, so unstable, he’d be with me for real. No Saskia. No secret affair.
     
    “She’s frigid.”
     
    “No, she’s not.”
     
    “Holly, she is, she won’t have sex with me.”
     
    We were in the back of my car, parked at the beach. Paul was smoking. My windows were rolled up.
     
    “You’re lying,” I said.
     
    “I’m not.”
     
    “You’ve been together
three years
. You’ve had sex with her.” I buckled and unbuckled my seat belt.
     
    He shook his head. “She’s saving herself.” He laughed and dragged off his cigarette. “So ridiculous, that we’re still together …”
     
    I hated hearing him say it: He was with her, not me. It had only been two weeks, the two of us doing what we were doing, and already I felt possessive.
     
    He rolled onto his side and took my face between his hands. “It’s so much better with you. It’s easy. It feels right with you.” I loved this. When he compared me to her. Things were easier with me. I was better than her.
     
    The day before at school, I’d watched them in the hall together. Bumping hips while they walked. I’d watched her whisper something in his ear while he grabbed at her hands and bit the collar on her orange Lacoste polo. Three girls passed by, waving hello, and Paul leaned into Saskia and kissed her. He slipped her the tongue in front of everyone and she smiled, mid-kiss, and pushed him away, hitting him gently with the heel of her hand. Nils was with me. He was watching too. We leaned against our lockers in the hallway, sharing a bag of cheese popcorn. He said, “Those two make me want to puke. Seriously. Happiness like that should be outlawed.”
     
    And he could say what he wanted, but it all looked like lies to me. I felt bad for her. Fragile, frigid Saskia Van Wyck.
Poor little girl,
I thought, watching them stroll right past me. Their arms linked like paper dolls.
You think he’s yours, but he’s not,
I thought.
You think he’s yours, but really he’s mine.
     

Chapter 10
     
    Once, years ago , Mom hosted a crystal convention in our living room.
     
    I was ten, padding around in socks and my long white nightgown while dozens