Pastoralia by George Saunders Read Free Book Online Page A

you narced me out, right? Did you? Of course you did.”
    I give her a look.
    “You didn’t?” she says. “Wow. You’re even nicer than I thought. You’re the best, man. And starting right now, no more screw-ups. I know I said that before. But this time, for real. You watch.”
    Just then there’s a huge clunk in the Big Slot.
    “Excellent!” she says. “I hope it’s a big thing of Motrin.”
    But it’s not a big thing of Motrin. It’s a goat. A weird-looking goat. Actually a plastic goat. With a predrilled hole for the spit to go through. In the mouth is a Baggie and in the Baggie is a note:
    In terms of austerity , it says. No goat today. In terms of verisimilitude, mount this fake goat and tend as if real. Mount well above fire to avoid burning. In event of melting, squelch fire. In event of burning, leave area, burning plastic may release harmful fumes .
    I mount the fake goat on the spit and Janet sits on the boulder with her head in her hands.
    21.
    Next morning is once again the morning I empty our Human Refuse bags and the trash bags and the bag from the bottom of the sleek metal hole where Janet puts her used feminine items.
    I knock on the door of her Separate Area.
    Janet slides the bags out, all sealed and labeled and ready to go.
    “Check it out,” she says. “I’m a new woman.”
    Out I go, with the white regular trash bag in one hand and our mutual big pink Human Refuse bag in the other.
    I walk along the white cliff, then down the path marked by the small yellow dot on the pine etc. etc.
    On the door of Marty’s doublewide is a note:
    Due to circumstances beyond our control we are no longer here , it says. But please know how much we appreciated your patronage. As to why we are not here, we will not comment on that, because we are bigger than that. Bigger than some people. Some people are snakes. To some people, fifteen years of good loyal service means squat. All’s we can say is, watch your damn backs .
    All the best and thanks for the memories,
    Marty and Jeannine and little Eddie .
    Then the door flies open.
    Marty and Jeannine and little Eddie are standing there holding suitcases.
    “Hello and good-bye,” says Marty. “Feel free to empty your shit bag inside the store.”
    “Now, Marty,” says Jeannine. “Let’s try and be positive about this, okay? We’re going to do fine. You’re too good for this dump anyway. I’ve always said you were too good for this dump.”
    “Actually, Jeannine,” Marty says. “When I first got this job you said I was lucky to even get a job, because of my dyslexia.”
    “Well, honey, you are dyslexic,” says Jeannine.
    “I never denied being dyslexic,” says Marty.
    “He writes his letters and numbers backwards,” Jeannine says to me.
    “What are you, turning on me, Jeannine?” Marty says. “I lose my job and you turn on me?”
    “Oh Marty, I’m not turning on you,” Jeannine says. “I’m not going to stop loving you just because you’ve got troubles. Just like you’ve never stopped loving me, even though I’ve got troubles.”
    “She gets too much spit in her mouth,” Marty says to me.
    “Marty!” says Jeannine.
    “What?” Marty says. “You can say I’m dyslexic, but I can’t say you get too much spit in your mouth?”
    “Marty, please,” she says. “You’re acting crazy.”
    “I’m not acting crazy,” he says. “It’s just that you’re turning on me.”
    “Don’t worry about me, Dad,” the kid says. “I won’t turn on you. And I don’t mind going back to my old school. Really I don’t.”
    “He had a little trouble with mean kids in his old school,” Marty says to me. “Which is why we switchedhim. Although nothing you couldn’t handle, right, kid? Actually, I think it was good for him. Taught him toughness.”
    “As long as nobody padlocks me to the boiler again,” the kid says. “That part I really didn’t like. Wow, those rats or whatever.”
    “I doubt those were actual rats,” says Marty.