Pet Peeve by Piers Anthony Read Free Book Online

out again.”
    The peeve flew back to Goody's arm. “That's what you think, harness halter.”
    She made a twisting motion with her hands. “I said almost, barf bird.”
    The bird decided to let the issue be. For the moment.
    They moved on. Soon they encountered another person. This was a thin, stiff woman, who moved in a rather jerky manner. Yet she was quite pretty. Her face was set in a classic mode, and she had lovely hair.
    “This bird speaks with my voice,” Goody said quickly. “Ignore it.”
    “Hel-lo,” the woman said jerkily. “I am Mary An-nette. I am a life-size pup-pet.”
    “String her up!” the parody said.
    Mary's head rotated to orient on the bird. “I need no strings.”
    “So you say, blockhead.”
    “Ignore the bird,” Hannah said. “Unless you'd like to adopt it. Then it would insult everyone but you.”
    “I can bring o-ther pup-pets to life,” Mary said, “But I have no use for a nas-ty bird.”
    “Well, I have a use for you,” the parody said. “Your face looks like the bottom of a birdcage.”
    “I think what you need is a life-size boy puppet to bring to life,” Hannah said.
    Mary smiled, somewhat woodenly. “Yes, that is what I need. Thank you.” She walked jerkily on.
    “Good riddance, you jerky piece of ash!”
    It was getting late, and Goody was tired for more than physical reason. “Why don't we find a place to camp for the night?”
    “I'm ready,” Hannah agreed.
    They came to a glade with a pool in the shape of a mundane car. “A nice car pool,” Hannah said. “That should do.” She set about chopping branches with her sword, and soon fashioned a comfortable lean-to shelter beside the pool.
    Meanwhile Goody checked around the area, and found a nice fresh pie tree. They would not have to eat their backpack supplies this night.
    Hannah gathered dry moss and kindling, then struck sparks from a stone with her sword to set it on fire, and built it up nicely. They had hot pies for supper. Even the parody seemed satisfied as it perched on a root and pecked at a pepper pie, because it made no derogatory remarks.
    “You're pretty handy with that sword,” Goody said. “I mean, using it to make a fire, though you handled that tangle tree effectively too.”
    Hannah hesitated, looking pained. She had removed her helmet so that her hair fell down around her face, framing it rather attractively.
    “Did I say something offensive?” Goody asked. “I didn't mean to.”
    “Your whole existence is offensive,” the peeve said with its ground-root voice.
    “It's not that,” Hannah answered, ignoring the bird. “It's just that I never traveled with anyone before, especially not a goblin, especially not a male. I don't know how to handle a compliment.”
    “Don't worry about it, fatal femme. You'll never get another.”
    Goody smiled. “I learned how from my wife. No matter what it is, you smile and say thank you. Then you find something nice to say in return.”
    “What a load of fresh cow flops!”
    “Oh—like a return strike when your opponent tries to cut off your head.”
    “Too bad he didn't succeed, you dizzy dame.”
    “Similar,” Goody agreed. “I suppose the rules for positive exchanges do resemble those for negative ones. But it is important not to get them confused.”
    “That lets both of you out. You're always confused.”
    She smiled. “I'll try to keep them straight. Is it too late to respond to your compliment?”
    “It is never too late for that.”
    “It's way too late!” the bird said petulantly.
    She put on a smile. “Thank you.”
    “You're welcome.”
    “No you aren't, you foolish floozy.”
    They finished their meal as dusk came. “I got hog sweaty fighting that tangler,” Hannah said. “I'd better dunk my hide.” She stood and undid her metallic halter.
    “Wow!” the peeve said. “A strip tease!”
    “Wait!” Goody said. “You can't strip in front of a man.”
    She paused. “Why not? You're not much of a man.”
    “You