Pet Peeve by Piers Anthony Read Free Book Online Page A

said it, sister!”
    Goody might have preferred more circumspect phrasing, but didn't care to make an issue of it. “It—it is not considered socially polite to disrobe in company. You're a fine looking woman, and—”
    “You're an overstuffed squaw!”
    She smiled carefully. “Thank you.”
    “I mean, normally women value their privacy.”
    “What do you have to be private about, hussy?”
    “Oh, do they? They didn't cover that in barbarian school.”
    “So men won't get ideas.”
    “As if you could ever get an idea, goblin noggin.”
    “But you're in grief and have no ideas,” she said. “I checked. That gray rose.” She resumed undressing.
    “Still, as a general social rule—”
    “Take it off! Take it off, strumpet!”
    “I'm not good at social rules. I just like to get the job done, whatever it is.” Now her top was bare. It was spectacular. She started on the bottom.
    “I've seen better cones by roadside construction.”
    “I should at least turn my back,” Goody said uncomfortably.
    “So I can scrub it? All right. Get it bare.”
    “Yes, bare your bumbling bones, goblin gook.”
    He realized that she was right. There was no reason for squeamishness. She was unconscious of any awkwardness, and he should be too. They were after all of two different species. “I suppose we're like family,” he said. “I need to wash too.”
    “For once you're making sense. You both stink like constipated pigs.”
    Hannah's hand shot out and caught the bird by the feet. “You're coming too, crow bait.”
    “I'll fly away, you feminist garbage,” it threatened with her voice.
    She took a long tress of her hair and knotted it about one of the peeve's legs. “I think knot,” she said, smiling. She set the bird on her head.
    “I'll poop on your hair!”
    “If you do, I'll dive wa-ay down deep to wash it off.”
    The parody looked thoughtful and kept its beak (or whatever) shut. The knot on its leg was quite tight.
    They both stripped and waded into the water, which was pleasantly cool. Hannah had to go out twice as far as he, being twice as tall. “Yee-haa!” she cried, leaping up and coming down with a great splash. She was indeed barbarian.
    “Watch it, harridan!” the peeve exclaimed. “You're wetting me.”
    “Oh, like this?” She scooped a handful of water and fired it at her own head. It smacked into the bird, thoroughly soaking it.
    The peeve got the message. It ceased protesting. Goody rather admired the way she was handling it. Barbarians evidently had a knack with animals.
    Then she waded halfway back, dripping from several rounded points, heading right for him. Goody hoped he had no reason to be alarmed. She dropped beside him and sat on the sand beneath so as to be his height. “I'll do your back now.”
    Oh. “Thank you.” He turned away.
    “You're blushing, goblin twerp,” the bird said from her head.
    Goody hoped that was not the case. His skin was of course goblin dark, but it was possible for a goblin to blush, and his surface was making the effort.
    Her hands were strong yet gentle as she stroked, then kneaded his back and shoulders. “Oh, that feels good!” he said.
    “Well, it doesn't look good! If you were any scrawnier it would take two men and a bird just to see you.”
    “Barbarian massage. It relaxes the muscles after a hard day's battle. You can do me next.”
    “Front or back?” the bird demanded.
    He did her next, emulating her motions as his hands went over her tightly muscled back and shoulders. He felt the knots relaxing, and knew he was getting the job done. She was big and strong, but there were ways in which she reminded him of Go-Go. Probably it was just that she was female.
    “You have the touch,” she said. “Maybe it's your talent.”
    “Goblins don't have talents.” But then he remembered what Magician Murphy had said. “But maybe I will develop one some day.”
    “There's love in your hands. I never felt that before.”
    “Why would you want to,