Secondhand Souls by Christopher Moore Read Free Book Online

said Audrey. “That’s the longest anyone lasted.”
    “Really? Sorry. Why didn’t you call me?”
    “The Big Book said we weren’t supposed to call you,” said Charlie. “I believe you said something like, ‘Don’t ever call me, Asher. Ever, ever, ever.’ ”
    Minty bowed his head and nodded. He had said that. He said, “But you did call, and there you sit, you and all your little friends are fine, a year later, not even a stain on your wizard coat, while those old ladies died in six months.”
    “We don’t quite know how they work—the Squirrel People,” Audrey said, wincing a little toward Charlie.
    “It’s okay,” Charlie said, putting his claw out to comfort her. “I’m one of them.”
    Audrey put her index finger in Charlie’s talon and looked into his expressionless black eyes.
    “Wait,” said Minty Fresh. “Y’all aren’t . . . ?”
    “No,” said Charlie.
    “No way,” said Audrey.
    “That would be creepy,” said Charlie. “Although, did I show you this?” He started to unbelt his robe, beneath which he appeared to be wearing an innertube wrapped around his waist.
    “No!” said Minty Fresh. “I mean, yes, you showed it to me.” He held up a hand to block his view of Charlie and squinted between his fingers until the croc-headed puppet person retied his wizard robe. He found it easier to cope with the sight of Charlie if he pretended he was a really complex speakerphone, but a speakerphone with an enormous peen was a peen too far.
    “Mister Fresh,” said Audrey, “we need you to help us find someone who will willingly vacate their body for Charlie.”
    Fresh pushed back on his chair as if he needed distance in order to see her. “How the hell would I find someone like that, and if I did, why the hell would they do that?”
    “Well,” said Charlie, “if they knew they were going to die anyway, that their soul was going to leave their body anyway, they might.”
    And at last Minty Fresh knew why they had called. “Y’all want me to tell you when a new name appears in my date book so you can what, go talk someone into giving up their body?”
    “Yeah, and it’s going to have to be the right person,” said Audrey. “It’s going to have to be someone who will die accidentally. If it’s someone who is terminally ill, I don’t know if the disease won’t just continue like it did with the ladies.”
    Fresh shook his head. “You know the names don’t come annotated with a cause of death? Just a name and the number of days we have to retrieve the soul.”
    “Right,” said Charlie. “But Audrey can go find the person. See if they’re sick. If they’re the right gender. I don’t think I could deal with being a woman.”
    “Because being a woman would be a step down from what you are now?” Minty Fresh smiled.
    “Because if I woke up in the morning and saw my breasts, I’d never get out of the house,” Charlie said.
    “He does like breasts,” said Audrey.
    “Although we only had the one night together,” Charlie said.
    “But you were very attentive,” said Audrey.
    “I’m always attentive. I’m looking at them right now.”
    “Stop it!” Minty said. They were a couple. They were talking like a couple. The freaky-haired Buddha nun and the crocodile-wizard monster. It was wrong. Deeply, deeply wrong. Was he the only person on earth who had to be alone? “I can’t do it. You shouldn’t have called.” He stood.
    “You’re the only one who can help,” said Charlie.
    “It’s impossible. I have to get about finding out if the other Death Merchants in the city were replaced, if they’re doing their job.”
    “Mr. Fresh,” said Audrey, standing. “When I thought the Death Merchants were somehow imprisoning human souls, when I was trying to rescue the soul vessels from you guys, the Squirrel People helped. They fanned out all over the city. I found a few of you, but they found others on their own. They can see the glow of a soul vessel. They can move