S.E.C.R.E.T.: An Erotic Novel by L. Marie Adeline Read Free Book Online

was Pauline, the way she is with men. With her boyfriend. I’ve never been like
     that with anyone, not even my husband. And no one has ever been like that with me.
     She seems so … free.”
    “And you want that?”
    “I do. I think. Is that something you work on?”
    “That’s the
only
thing we work on,” she said. “Now, why don’t we start with you. Tell me a little
     bit about yourself.”
    I don’t know why it all felt so easy, but my story poured from my mouth. I told Matilda
     about growing up in Ann Arbor. How my mother died when I was young, and how my dad,
     an industrial fence contractor, was rarely around, and when he was, he was by turns
     sour or overly affectionate, especially when he was drunk. I grew up cautious and
     alert to how the weather in a room could change. My sister, Lila, left home as soon
     as she could and moved to New York. We barely spoke now.
    Then I told Matilda about Scott, sweet Scott and sorrowful Scott, the Scott who slow-danced
     with me to country music in our kitchen and the Scott who hit me twice and never stopped
     begging forgiveness I couldn’t give. I told her how our marriage deteriorated as his
     drinking escalated. I told her how his death hadn’t liberated me but rather had relegated
     me to a quiet middle ground, a safe corral of my own making. I had no idea how badly
     I needed to talk to another woman, how isolated I’d become, until I started opening
     up to Matilda.
    Then, I said it. It just kind of spilled out: the fact that it had been years since
     I’d had sex.
    “How many years?”
    “Five. Almost six, I guess.”
    “It’s not uncommon. Grief, anger, resentment play awful tricks on the body.”
    “How do you know? Are you a sex therapist?”
    “Sort of,” she said. “What we do here, Cassie, is we help women get back in touch
     with their sexual side. And in so doing, they get back in touch with the most powerful
     part of themselves. One Step at a time. Does that interest you?”
    “I guess. Sure,” I said, as squeamish as the time I had to tell my dad I had started
     my period. With no woman in the house growing up, except for my dad’s listless girlfriend,
     I’d never actually spoken about sex out loud with anyone.
    “Will I have to do anything … weird?”
    Matilda laughed.
    “No. Nothing weird, Cassie, unless that’s your thing.”
    I laughed then, too, the uncomfortable laugh of someone past the point of no return.
    “But what do I do? How does this work?”
    “You don’t really have to do anything but say yes to the Committee,” she said, glancing
     at her watch, “which, my goodness, is assembling as we speak.”
    “The Committee?” Oh my God, what had I
done
? It was like I’d fallen down a deep hole.
    Matilda must have sensed my panic. She poured me a glass of water from the jug on
     her desk.
    “Here, Cassie, take a drink, and please try to relax. This is a good thing. A marvelous
     thing, trust me. The Committeeis simply a group of women, kind women, many of them just like you, women who want
     to help. They recruit participants and design the fantasies. The Committee makes your
     fantasies happen.”
    “
My
fantasies? What if I don’t have any?”
    “Oh, you do. You just don’t know it yet. And don’t worry. You will never have to do
     anything you don’t want to do, nor will you ever be with anyone you don’t want to
     be with. S.E.C.R.E.T.’s motto is: No judgments. No limits. No shame.”
    The water glass shook in my hand. I took a big gulp and choked.
    “S.E.C.R.E.T.?”
    “Yes, that’s what our group is called. Each letter stands for something. But our whole
     reason for being is liberation through complete submission to your sexual fantasies.”
    I stared into the middle distance, trying to shake the image of Pauline with two men …
    “Is this what Pauline did?” I blurted out.
    “Yes. Pauline completed all ten steps of S.E.C.R.E.T., and now is living in the world,
     fully, sexually