Still Surviving by A.M. Johnson Read Free Book Online Page B

heavy in my mind. The steam of the shower gone, the cool water felt like knives against my skin. I turned the water off and stepped out, grabbing my towel. I wiped the water and tears from my face.
    My phone vibrated again as I picked it up. Seth’s sarcastic grin smiled at me from my phone, already making my crappy day better. The picture made me laugh every time. We’d been at the bar, and I made fun of some chick that had failed miserably at earning his consideration. He always let me push his buttons. He had said, “You better take a snap of this moment. Never again will you see Seth turn down a piece of ass for Todd’s sorry bullshit.” Seth had decided to turn the girl down because he was still helping Todd through his break up with Lily. So I did. I took a picture and it was my favorite. Not because he was beautiful, or that the smile was sexy as hell, but because he cared enough about Todd, his friend, to make the right choice. This gave me hope. Hope was something that was delivered in limited quantities these days.
     
    Seth: Let’s get wasted tonight?
    Seth: We’ll get naked and have a giant orgy with Todd and Lily?
    Seth: Seriously, this day can fuck off.
     
    I shook my head.
     
    Me: Did someone have a bad day?
     
    Walking into the bedroom, I threw my phone on the bed. I grabbed my blue jeans and my favorite worn T-shirt that said “Fuck the Suburbs” across the front. The shirt had been a gift from Todd for my birthday two years ago. He said it fit my “personality.” Todd always gave the best presents. One of the many reasons I loved that guy.
    After I blew out my hair and straightened it until it was perfectly sleek, I brushed on some lip-gloss and mascara. My phone alerted again and my heart began to run laps.
     
    Seth: You have no idea. I just want to get drunk and hang with my favorite gnome.
     
    Funny. I frowned. I hated that he called me gnome; they were little, yes, but they were generally ugly.
     
    Me: STOP calling me GNOME
     
    Seth’s text was immediate.
     
    Seth: Noted… no gnome or small people references in general.
     
    Me :  You’re forgiven sunshine…
     
    Seth : Are we going to get shit faced or not? I have liquor bottles to empty.

    Me: Meet at Blue? How about seven?
     
    Seth: See you then. Bring your sketchpad.
     
    Putting my art, my soul, into Seth’s skin was the greatest feeling in the world. Seth and I were like magnets. At times his pull was irresistible and it didn’t matter what was between us, we’d connect. He’d find me just when I needed him most. It was like every time he walked into the bar, texted, or just recently, came to see me at the shop, it was because he was drawn there. As if there was no way he could have stayed away, the chips fell into place and he was there. Strong and beautiful, smiling and making my world turn upside down.
    Then… then there were times our magnets flipped and there was nothing we could do to click together. Our pasts, our inability to let go of fear — his light would blow out, and my heart would turn black — and it was impossible to break through that force that separated him from me. That invisible force that kept us from possibly the greatest love we’d ever have. How could I not be meant for him? How could two people with so much pain, so much hurt and broken faith, not pour themselves into the other. Creating one perfect mold. One spectacular sculpture.
    I wanted Seth more than anything. I wanted him to trust me, to let me be his. My eyes stared back at me from the dresser mirror. It was then I realized why we’d never work. My thumb found its way to the familiar patch of skin ruined by the razor blade of my past. My sister’s whispered giggle flashed across my mind, her smile dimmed, and her hazel eyes paled.
    He was more than I ever could hope for; he was more than I ever deserved.
     

CHAPTER SEVEN
    Seth
     
    “D ID YOU FINISH LOOKING at the Heathman portfolio, son?” my father’s voice, powerful and