Still Surviving by A.M. Johnson Read Free Book Online

and began to wipe down the table.
    “Thanks for this.” I pointed to my ribcage where the quote was still burning its way permanently into my skin. “See you tomorrow.” I chanced one more look and caught her staring at me from under her lashes. Her smile was shy as she nodded.
    As I turned to leave, my smile was smug. The look on Scott’s face was priceless. That’s right, shithead. He clenched his jaw, and my smile fell. Tiffany’s innocent smile flashed behind my eyes again as I left. I was a piece of shit. I made her think tomorrow was more than it really was just to prove my dick was bigger than his.
    The night sky had cleared and filled with stars, stars that were too bright. The light from such a miraculous thing was wasted on me as I walked out of the tattoo shop. My intentions were always so selfish… but for once my actions could hurt someone I cared about, and I felt worthless. I’ve felt a lot of shit in my life. Guilt was not something that sat well in my gut. The copper taste in my mouth startled me, and I had to breathe deeply through my nose to wash away the nausea.
    I heard Tiffany laugh, and I turned to see her and Scott smiling at each other. Another wave of nausea filled my mouth with metal tinged saliva. What was I doing? I promised myself I’d stay in her wake. I’d be the shadow to her light. But it was as if she was clawing away at my defenses, she was embedding herself within my skin. She was a living-breathing phantom. The sound of her voice haunted me. “ I’ll pretend that your mouth doesn’t set me on fire.”
    She wasn’t the only one who had to pretend. I had to pretend that every time I came I wasn’t imagining her lips wrapped around me, that it wasn’t her body I was buried in, that it wasn’t her voice that called out my name. I had to pretend that the thought of Scott’s hands on her, coaxing her lips with his didn’t make me crazy. I had to pretend the idea of him claiming her with his touch and spreading his seed within her didn’t make me want to fucking puke. I could pretend, too… it was the only way I could breathe and the only way I was able to get in my car and drive away.

CHAPTER SIX
    Tiffany
     
    T HE AGGRAVATING TIN SOUND of my phone alarm blared. I groaned as I rolled over and almost threw it against the wall. My thumb silenced the annoying noise, and I smiled a triumphant smile. Tiffany: one, iPhone: Zero. This day was blessed. My eyes caught the time on my nightstand clock and I jumped up. How was it already two in the afternoon? I scowled at my phone. I must have hit the snooze more than once. The blackout shades in my room worked too well.
    “Shit.”
    I rolled unceremoniously out of bed and headed to the shower. My reflection in the mirror above the sink caught my attention. My hair laid flat on one side of my head and the other side was ratted. The circles under my eyes were stark against the pallor of my skin. I puffed out an angry breath. My appearance offended me on the daily. My hazel eyes, which were more green than hazel, narrowed as my image burned into the glass. All the tattoos in the world couldn’t cover my history, couldn’t hide the pieces of me that had rotted away over the years.
    I lifted my nightshirt over my head and removed my underwear. I was naked, and the sight of all the swirling black ink across my stomach and around my ribcage made me smile. With each piece I disappeared just a bit more; with each dig of the needle into my skin, the old scars were replaced with beautiful ones. I let my thumb trace the white raised flesh on my forearm. My eyes closed as I tried to forget the release I used to feel when I pulled the blade across my skin. Cutting myself slowly, every day for years to feel something other than disgust, regret… shame.
    The lump in my throat grew, and I swallowed it down. The tears wouldn’t come today. Not today… today was mine… today was a fresh start. I stepped into the shower and started my daily