The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers Read Free Book Online Page B

break. Her faith could be crushed. A few words from Ethan and it was already unraveling. She closed her eyes and lowered her head. “I’m sorry.”
    “For what? For being hurt and angry over what happened to you? You have reason.”
    “God has a reason.”
    Maybe she just wasn’t good enough to be part of His Kingdom. Her heart squeezed tight, shrinking inside her with fear. “Maybe Ethan’s right. I should try to forget about it. Put it behind me and go on like nothing happened.” She opened her book.
    “Dynah,” Joe said, and the compassion in his tone made her stomach tighten in a painful knot.
    “If we have to talk, Joe, let’s talk about something else. Please. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it. Okay?”
    Joe sat silent for a moment and then nodded. “You call the shots. I just want you to know I’m around if you need me.”

    Ethan called that night and apologized. She said it wasn’t his fault, though his defection hurt deeply. She said she understood, and in part she did, though she didn’t want to look at it too closely. He said he didn’t understand anything himself. It was all a confusing mass of emotions inside him, and he’d have to deal with them. “I never meant you should blame yourself for what happened.”
    “I know,” she said, giving absolution, knowing it was what he wanted.
    He was different the next time they went out. “Joe and I have been doing a lot of talking,” he said, taking her hand between both of his. “Why don’t we take a walk tonight instead of going to a movie?” It was a nice evening. They didn’t say much as they wandered along the cobblestone pathways. Dynah didn’t tell him the shadows made her uneasy and every night sound made her heart jump.
    They passed other young couples walking hand in hand around the manicured grounds of the campus. She supposed she should feel safe in the cloistered environment, but she didn’t. Not even with Ethan at her side.
    He paused once and drew her close. Touching her cheek, he kissed the corner of her mouth. It was the first time he had kissed her in the weeks since the rape. He stroked her cheek and drew her into his arms.
    “I still love you, Dynah.”
    She knew he meant for her to be comforted by his words, but she wasn’t. “Still,” he said. He still loved her. Somehow, there was an unspoken despite in his words. I still love you, despite the fact that you’re defiled. I still love you, despite the fact that you didn’t stop the man. I still love you, despite the fact that you’re not what you once were. . . .
    She pushed the thoughts away. She couldn’t believe them, not if she was going to hang on to the emotional equilibrium she strove so hard to maintain—not if she wanted to be able to look ahead to a future that was supposed to be secure.
    But things had changed. The warm stirring of desire when Ethan touched her wasn’t there anymore. All she felt was a cold knot of fear and revulsion in the pit of her stomach. She was no longer comfortable in his arms, but she remained there because she knew it was what he wanted, what he expected. He held her and whispered tender words into her hair. Apologies. Promises.
    She remained still, fighting the turmoil inside her, the rush of blood in her ears. She shut her eyes tightly when her mind flashed back to another man’s hands holding her, grabbing, hitting, yanking, tearing. Panic threatened to overwhelm her, but she couldn’t tell Ethan what she was feeling without destroying this brief, tenuous moment of tenderness—and maybe destroying whatever chance they had of working things out altogether.
    He let her go slowly, looking down at her. She could see he was frowning slightly. He was perplexed. She forced a smile, clinging to the pretense that everything was fine. Or would be. Someday. Trust in the Lord. Trust in the Lord.
    “Your hand’s cold,” he said as they began walking again. “Let’s get you something warm to