give in entrance exams. That isnât what weâre looking for,and you know that as well as I do. No one volunteers to go through what a solitary operative goes through only because heâs a Zionist. In this country there are millions of Zionists, many among them are multilingual, but someone whoâs prepared to volunteer is exceptional. Thereâs something special in him besides the ability to assume another persona and undertake operations. He needs us. Thatâs the point. He needs us the way we need him. Sometimes he doesnât even know heâs looking for us, and how well suited he is to us. Such people have difficulty identifying what it is theyâre looking for, they only know thereâs another reality that they can belong to, that itâs possible to go to distant places and do whatâs forbidden to others, things you only dream about. Thereâs something intoxicating in our work; suddenly itâs permissible to lie, you can put on an act, and everything is sanctioned by the state. The operative is licensed to commit crimes. He steals, sometimes he even kills, and instead of going to prison he gets a commendation.
âAnd something else. Many of them arenât content with their lives, and theyâre ready for a change, and this is what happened with Rachel. We diverted her from a path that was leading her nowhere, and gave her a new world. She trusted us, trusted the respect that we felt for her, the faith we invested in her, and I daresay she saw in us an extended family. From her point of view she was an only child, as in the family she left behind. And for this reason she had a terrible crisis when it all came to an end and she was cut off all at once. In hindsight, I realize she was really just a child and we let her play some very dangerous games. We did something that wasnât right, Joe, we didnât succeed in rehabilitating her after she came back from there, and something in her life was fucked up. This is what we need to clarify.â
âYouâre exaggerating,â said Joe, and Ehud felt rebuked when he heard what was to follow: âYouâre giving me a lecture on operativesas if I hadnât been there when you still knew almost nothing about what goes on inside the Mossad.â
âI feel this is important, to start from the beginning. To understand from whereââ
But Joe interrupted him: âOkay, okay, I agree itâs necessary to go back and retrace her steps.â He chewed his food slowly. His hand trembled and he tried to control it. âBut it seems to me youâre taking this too personally. As if youâre still the case officer and sheâs your operative. What happened to her after she left is not your problem.â Ehud listened and didnât dare tell him how he felt. âThe secrets that she has tucked away inside her are the problem.â Joeâs face was grim, and despite the years that had passed they both knew who was in charge. âYou heard them in the Office just as I did. This canât be allowed to happen. These secrets, which even we are not privy to, must not be allowed to fall into their hands.â
âButââ Ehud began, and wanted to say that for him it was all about Rachel, but Joe didnât let him interrupt.
âWe need to find her and bring her back before thereâs any damage. This isnât the time to indulge in a guilt trip, and we wonât win any bonus points if we admit that she meant the world to us all the time she was with us and afterwards we forgot her.â
A waitress in black passed between the tables and asked if they were enjoying their meal. Her jeans were too tight, her T-shirt too short to cover a white and endearing midriff. Ehudâs eyes wandered in that direction, and she noticed and pulled the hem of the T-shirt down with a bashful hand. âSheâs younger than my son,â said Ehud, blushing, when he realized
Learning to Kill: Stories