The President's Brain Is Missing by John Scalzi Read Free Book Online

Deputy White House Chief of Staff Alexander Lipsyte walked through the doorway and into the Oval Office and was surprised that the President was not at his desk. “Where’s the boss?” he asked.
    â€œHe’s out,” said David Boehm, the Chief of Staff, holding a folder. “Close the door and sit down, Alex.”
    Alex closed the door behind him and took at seat on the east-facing sofa, next to Secretary of State Mona Fitzgerald. Across from him on the west-facing sofa were National Security Advisor Brad Stein and Vice-President Tony Hsu. Hsu’s presence was unusual; the President had reverted to the formerly-common practice of giving the Vice President absolutely nothing of any importance to do. Hsu spent most of his time visiting elementary schools and working on his putting.
    Hsu caught Alex’s glance. “If you think you’re surprised, think how I feel,” Vice-President Hsu said. Alex grinned in spite of himself.
    â€œNow that we’re all here, we can get started,” Boehm said. “We have a situation. The President’s brain is missing.”
    No one in the room had anything to say to that. Finally Alex spoke up. “I thought we all agreed to let Jon Stewart write his own jokes,” he said.
    â€œGod damn it, Alex, it’s not a joke,” Boehm said, and slapped down the folder he was carrying onto the table. Papers spilled out of them, including images of an X-Ray and MRI which featured a head with a blank brain cavity. Alex stared at them.
    Fitzgerald reached over and picked up the X-Ray. “When were these taken?” she asked, holding up the photograph.
    â€œThree hours ago,” Boehm said. “The X-Ray and MRI both.”
    â€œThe President went to Walter Reed for these?” Fitzgerald asked.
    â€œNo, Anil did them here, down in the bunker,” Boehm said, referring to Anil Singh, the President’s personal physician. “Once he figured out what was going on, he knew enough to keep it quiet.”
    â€œSo the President is dead,” Vice President Hsu said.
    â€œThe President is fine,” Boehm said. “He’s in the residence, resting, per Anil’s orders.”
    â€œBut you said he’s missing his brain,” Hsu said.
    â€œHe is,” Boehm said.
    Hsu looked around at the others, to see if he was the only one who was confused. He wasn’t. “Dave, I don’t claim to be an expert on medical issues, but I’m pretty sure that not having a brain is a fatal condition,” he said.
    â€œIt is,” Boehm said.
    â€œSo you understand my confusion, here,” Hsu said.
    â€œI do,” Boehm said. “Mr. Vice-President, I have no answers for you at this time. All I know—all any of us know at the moment—are two things. One, the President is by all outward and most inward appearances entirely healthy for a 63-year-old man. Two, his brain is absolutely gone.”
    â€œDave,” Alex said. “You might want to run us through the chronology of this.”
    â€œThe President woke up at 5:30 am as he typically does and went for his usual morning swim, at which point he noticed the first sign that something unusual was going on,” Boehm said
    â€œWhich was?” Fitzgerald asked.
    â€œHe couldn’t submerge his head,” Boehm said. “Any time he tried to put his head under it would pop back up like a cork.”
    In spite of himself, Alex grinned at the mental image of the Most Powerful Man in the World trying to push his head under the water of the White House swimming pool and failing.
    â€œLater in the shower he felt light-headed,” Boehm continued, “so he called Anil for a consult. Anil arrived at 7:30, met with the President in the residence and then took him into the bunker for the X-Ray and the MRI, whereupon he discovered that the President’s cranial cavity was entirely vacant.”
    â€œHow is the President taking the