The Secret 04 The Ever After of Ella and Micha by Jessica Sorensen Read Free Book Online

hole of despair that I’m very familiar with, no matter what I do or try to change about my life. In the end, I have depression. It’ll always be with me—with Micha and me. I’ve known this for a while and yet I’m still going forward with him, always crossing my fingers he never regrets it.
    But what if he does?
    I take out a drawing that’s folded up in back of the journal along with a photo of my mom on a bed with her chin on her knees and her hair falling into her green eyes that look exactly like mine. She’s smiling, but there’s something off about the snapshot, like she’s forcing herself to look happy, or maybe that’s just what she looked like when she was happy. It’s hard to tell sometimes and most of the time when I knew her, she just looked lost. She doesn’t look lost here, but she doesn’t look like she’s someone who’s got everything figured out. I wonder if that’s what I look like?
    The drawing is of this vase with a single rose inside it and the petals are cracked and wilting, piling up around the bottom. It hurts my heart looking at it, because as an artist, I can guess what place her thoughts were at when she drew it because I’ve been in that place.
    “Oh my God, Ella, you did not ball up your wedding dress and shove it in a duffel bag.” Lila huffs as she stomps into the kitchen with an overflowing armful of fabric and a rolled-up magazine. She’s wearing a holey pair of jeans and a plain pink T-shirt, her blond and black hair damp. “Seriously, why would you do that?”
    “I’m sorry.” I quickly shut the journal, regretting having opened it in the first place. Maybe I wasn’t ready to read it. Maybe I should just let the past go. I’d been doing so well and I’ve even been off my medication.
But I want to understand her.
“I didn’t even think about it when I stuffed it in there.”
    Lila lets the bottom of the dress go, but holds onto the top, examining the fabric. “It’s all wrinkled now.” She scrunches her nose at the front of the dress as she fiddles with one of the black roses on it. “We’re going to, like, have to hang it up in the bathroom and steam the wrinkles out.”
    “The bathroom should be all steamed up from your shower.” I bring the brim of the mug to my mouth. “So you could hang it up now.”
    “Yeah, it was already steamed up from your shower.” She rolls her eyes and then laughs off her irritation. “You two and showers… I don’t get it.”
    “Well, you really should,” I say, unable to restrain a smile as thoughts of Micha and his hands and tongue overtake me. The dark thoughts the journal instilled in my head evaporate like the steam coming from the mug, although I’m fairly sure they’ll be back if I continue to read it. “You’re really missing out.”
    She drapes the dress on the back of the chair and sits down across the table from me. “Then maybe I’ll have to try it sometime with Ethan.”
    Quiet settles between us as she opens up the magazine she was carrying and I realize it’s a wedding magazine. We’ve been friends for almost two and a half years now and it still feels like we hardly know each other sometimes. Perhaps it’s because of my lack of being able to talk deeply about things or because it seems like we both like to carry our secrets.
    “So you and Ethan,” I start, setting the mug down on the table. “How’s that going?”
    She shrugs, restraining a grin as she flips a page of the magazine. “Good, I guess.”
    “Do you, like, love him?” I make a mocking swoon face. I never had any girlfriends when I was growing up. Instead I was mostly surrounded by Micha and his friends or my brother and his friends, so sometimes acting girly is weird.
    Lila lowers her hand onto the table and then crosses her arms. “I think I do.”
    “Think?” I ask. “Or know? Because I heard you both know.”
    Her brows furrow. “Did Ethan tell Micha that we said I love you?”
    I nod and take another sip of my