The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did by Don Stewart Read Free Book Online
Authors: Don Stewart
home-schooled education with him when he joined the Virginia Militia days after hitting puberty, earning the distinction of lieutenant colonel at the My Space-obsessed age of sixteen.
He Was Possibly Surveying Your Wife
In addition to being an enthusiastic killing machine, Washington moonlighted as a surveyor, measuring and plotting the earth's surface. He could tell you where your yard ends and your neighbor's yard begins, and whether it was okay to ignore the imaginary boundary of physical property and enjoy an affair with the wife next door.
ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T HIS NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, GEORGE DID ENJOY SOME EXTRACURRICULAR SEX AND FRUITY DRINKS WITH BIG-HAIRED JERSEY GIRL MARY GIBBONS.Despite Gibbons's best effort to satisfy George's Ron Jeremy — like appetite for off-the-charts action, rumors quickly spread of George's illicit parties with slave girls at his Mount Vernon home. Washington capitalized on these rumors by garnering the support needed to be appointed adjunct general of the Virginia Militia in 1752.
French and Indian War Involvement: Ridding the Colonies of Frenchies
In 1753 George had the honor of delivering a message from the British to the French while holding wine tastings in the Ohio Valley: Get the fuck out. The French ignored Washington, and actually captured George in a skirmish at Fort Necessity. He was released, and later he returned with British General Braddock in 1755 to successfully kick the French out. Tired of a soldier's life, Washington turned his back on public service and retired to his Mount Vernon estate, where he satisfied his need for “strange” by marrying a serviceable widow named Martha Dandridge Custis. Following the honeymoon, George went into semiretirement for several years, farming and partying with the woman that he held the title to at his Mount Vernon home.
Next Up: Kicking the British Out
George took an active interest in the feud between the colonists and the British. As tensions escalated, George, ever the public servant, was sucked back into action. He left the cushy retired life and attended the meeting of the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia as a delegate from Virginia in 1775. There he was elected the commander in chief of the ragtag Continental army. After approximately six years of cat and mouse, the British tired, and Washington accepted British surrender from General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781. Washington re-retired, or so he thought, to Mount Vernon.
From Shuffleboard to the White House
After years of successful military leadership culminating in the surrender of the crotchety old General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781, Washington was enjoying a re-kindling of marital flames with Martha, however, his inability to walk away from the young nation's problems led him to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787 and ultimately back into service for his country. George benefited from the idea that letting every citizen have a voice in their leadership would be time consuming, expensive and, unnecessary. The Electoral College did away with the messy counting of Americans' votes, and in 1789, Washington became the first president of the United States as a handful of representatives forced their will on the rest of the country. George had the distinct honor of being the first of a near-perfect line of white presidents in American history.
1789 T HE B ILL OF R IGHTS
Dirty little document
Not Just Another Bill
With the constitutional document already passed, James Madison began his Billy Graham — like crusade to protect the individual rights of priests, strippers, drug dealers, thieves, and the common man. He proposed twelve constitutional amendments (of which ten were passed) during a congressional all-night cocaine binge in New York City on September 25, 1789. With angel dust all over the historic manuscript, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News reported that the dirty little document was sure to be the most litigated legislation in American
He Was Possibly Surveying Your Wife
In addition to being an enthusiastic killing machine, Washington moonlighted as a surveyor, measuring and plotting the earth's surface. He could tell you where your yard ends and your neighbor's yard begins, and whether it was okay to ignore the imaginary boundary of physical property and enjoy an affair with the wife next door.
ALTHOUGH IT WASN'T HIS NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, GEORGE DID ENJOY SOME EXTRACURRICULAR SEX AND FRUITY DRINKS WITH BIG-HAIRED JERSEY GIRL MARY GIBBONS.Despite Gibbons's best effort to satisfy George's Ron Jeremy — like appetite for off-the-charts action, rumors quickly spread of George's illicit parties with slave girls at his Mount Vernon home. Washington capitalized on these rumors by garnering the support needed to be appointed adjunct general of the Virginia Militia in 1752.
French and Indian War Involvement: Ridding the Colonies of Frenchies
In 1753 George had the honor of delivering a message from the British to the French while holding wine tastings in the Ohio Valley: Get the fuck out. The French ignored Washington, and actually captured George in a skirmish at Fort Necessity. He was released, and later he returned with British General Braddock in 1755 to successfully kick the French out. Tired of a soldier's life, Washington turned his back on public service and retired to his Mount Vernon estate, where he satisfied his need for “strange” by marrying a serviceable widow named Martha Dandridge Custis. Following the honeymoon, George went into semiretirement for several years, farming and partying with the woman that he held the title to at his Mount Vernon home.
Next Up: Kicking the British Out
George took an active interest in the feud between the colonists and the British. As tensions escalated, George, ever the public servant, was sucked back into action. He left the cushy retired life and attended the meeting of the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia as a delegate from Virginia in 1775. There he was elected the commander in chief of the ragtag Continental army. After approximately six years of cat and mouse, the British tired, and Washington accepted British surrender from General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781. Washington re-retired, or so he thought, to Mount Vernon.
From Shuffleboard to the White House
After years of successful military leadership culminating in the surrender of the crotchety old General Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781, Washington was enjoying a re-kindling of marital flames with Martha, however, his inability to walk away from the young nation's problems led him to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787 and ultimately back into service for his country. George benefited from the idea that letting every citizen have a voice in their leadership would be time consuming, expensive and, unnecessary. The Electoral College did away with the messy counting of Americans' votes, and in 1789, Washington became the first president of the United States as a handful of representatives forced their will on the rest of the country. George had the distinct honor of being the first of a near-perfect line of white presidents in American history.
1789 T HE B ILL OF R IGHTS
Dirty little document
Not Just Another Bill
With the constitutional document already passed, James Madison began his Billy Graham — like crusade to protect the individual rights of priests, strippers, drug dealers, thieves, and the common man. He proposed twelve constitutional amendments (of which ten were passed) during a congressional all-night cocaine binge in New York City on September 25, 1789. With angel dust all over the historic manuscript, Bill O'Reilly of Fox News reported that the dirty little document was sure to be the most litigated legislation in American
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