The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did by Don Stewart Read Free Book Online Page A

history. The signing of the Bill of Rights effectively provided for the following guarantees:
    FIRST AMENDMENT. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
     

    The first amendment protects crazy Pentecostal Church of God attendees, allowing them to handle deadly snakes and drink rattlesnake venom during service while at the same time allowing the National Enquirer to report on political commentator Dick Morris's fetish for sucking the toes of prostitutes.
    SECOND AMENDMENT. A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
     
    This little beauty protects the rights of gangsters and rednecks to own truckloads of pistols, AK-47s, hand grenades, and atomic bombs.
    THIRD AMENDMENT. No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner prescribed by law.
     
    This amendment prohibits the men serving in our military to sleep with another man's wife without his consent.
    FOURTH AMENDMENT. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
     

    This amendment makes it much more difficult for police officers to search the trunk of Snoop Dogg's car just because he is black and looks high.
    FIFTH AMENDMENT. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment of indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land of naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself; nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken from public use, without just compensation.
     
    This amendment was written to ensure that O.J. Simpson never has to explain the cuts on his hands, the bloody Bruno Mali shoe prints, the missing clothes, and the loud sound outside Kato Kaelin's bedroom. It also makes sure that just because of the incompetence of District Attorney Marcia Clarke and her overwhelmed assistant district attorney Christopher Darden, O.J. cannot be tried again on the criminal charges of killing his ex-wife and her eyeglass-returning good Samaritan friend, Ron Goldman.
    SIXTH AMENDMENT. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining Witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance to Counsel for his defence.
     

    This amendment ensures that not only are tax payers required to pay for the incarceration of the poor, but they are also required to pay for their subpar defense.
    SEVENTH AMENDMENT. In suits at common law, where the value in the controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
     
    This allows endless lawsuits in federal court that require the use of a jury of your peers who were too dumb to avoid jury