The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle Read Free Book Online Page B

do it next weekend.
    M E :   It’s supposed to start raining next week. You never want to paint the house! What do you think the neighbors think of this place? It looks awful out there.
    H IM :   We’ll wait until after next week then, but this really isn’t a good time.
    M E :   Why not?
    H IM :   Because we have other things to do today.
    M E :   I’ll paint it by myself then. I’ll just do it myself.
    H IM :   Why can’t you just wait?
    M E :   Because you never want to do it!
    H IM :   ArrrggghhhhHH!
    E XAMPLE 3: C AR M AINTENANCE
    H IM :   The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I’m gonna take it in next week.
    M E :   Next week? Brakes are pretty serious, John. Don’t you think you should take it in right away? You can’t drive without brakes.
    H IM :   I don’t have time right away. The brakes are good enough to last another week.
    M E :   Hmm. I think you should take it in right away. Why wait until next week?
    H IM :   I’m not going to have time right now.
    M E :   You need to make time for things like that.
    H IM :   There’s just too much going on and it has to be next week.
    M E :   So are you going to take it in?
    H IM :   Next week!
    M E :   Maybe I can take it in for you.
    H IM :   Why don’t you just put my head under the wheel and drive over it?
    I had veto power over everything, but that also meant that now everything was under my jurisdiction. The responsibility that accompanied the control had me stressed out and utterly exhausted. For protection, my husband placed himself before the television.
    P OSTSURRENDERING C ONVERSATIONS

    T oday, if I were to have those same conversations with my husband, they’d go something like this:
    E XAMPLE 1: G IFT FOR A F RIEND
    H IM :   I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.
    M E :   Okay.
    John is in charge of the household finances, so I don’t need to worry about what we can afford. I have my money, so this purchase will not affect me. Instead of discounting John’s friends as I would have before, I honor them because I recognize that they offer him things that I can’t, just as there are things I share only with my girlfriends. John enjoys giving gifts to me, and it also gives him pleasure to show his affection and appreciation to his friends. Finally, how ridiculous is it for me to pick a present for
his
friend? Don’t answer that!
    E XAMPLE 2: P AINTING THE H OUSE
    M E :   I wish the outside of our house looked better. I want new paint. What do you think?
    H IM :   I think we should go to the paint store, buy some paint, and start painting.
    This is a real-life example! Notice that I just said what I wanted, not how it should happen. He could also have said, “Let’s hire somebody to do it.” Of course, he could have also said, “I think we should wait until spring and then paint it.”
    I would have gone along with either scenario because I’d rather not spend my energy trying to get John to do something he doesn’t want to do. If we had painted the house when John didn’t want to, I would have gotten my way, but it would have irritated John. Harmony and closeness are much greater gifts than having a house the neighbors admire for its fresh paint.
    E XAMPLE 3: C AR M AINTENANCE
    H IM :   The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I’m going to take it in next week.
    M E :   Thank you for taking care of that.
    Once again, I don’t need to worry about what he’s doing because I trust my husband to maintain the car without any input from me. After all, he was doing it long before he met me, and his method worked. Maybe he didn’t do it the way I thought he should, but that didn’t mean he was being irresponsible.
    THE PATH TO INTIMACY, PASSION AND PEACE

    S ome women worry that their