The Topsail Accord by J. Kalnay Read Free Book Online Page B

But over the years, like I guess it must for so many married couples, it slowed and then stopped. It became a chore, loaded with expectations and hopes for my husband. Freighted with failure every month. I didn’t care either way, whether we had a baby or not, whether we had a family or not. If it had happened that would have been fine, and even that it didn’t happen was fine. With me, but not for my husband.
    These walks on the beach with the nieces and nephews and children of cousins were never enough for him. He wanted his own. And his family wanted him to have his own. They were convinced that a man “should” have his own family. Even though they couldn’t provide a single reason, as though simply saying “should” was enough reason. So he was convinced. I asked him once, only once, why it was so important to him. His only answer was that a man “should have a son.” So maybe even five daughters wouldn’t have been enough for him. I never knew what was enough for him. Because I think he never knew what was enough for him. We never talked about it. We hardly talked at the beginning, and by the end we didn’t talk at all. There was a nearly complete cessation of communication. Except about our nephew, the oldest of the kids, for some reason we could always talk about him. My ex was truly attached to that boy. Sometimes I think it was harder for my ex to leave my nephew than to leave me.
    These walks with the children are enough for me. I love each of them in their own way. The smart ones, the athletic ones, the ones with good hearts, the ones that like to goof around, I love them all. But I don’t need any to spring from my body. All these children are mine, in some small way. And all my brothers and sisters and parents are my family. When my husband remarried and got his “should” family, his own son, and his own daughter, he still wasn’t happy. So now he’s divorced again. And maybe remarried and then divorced again. I don’t keep track, but sometimes mutual friends let something slip, or drop it intentionally. I have moved on, why haven’t my friends?
     
    We have walked all the way to the pier, where my brother and sister have driven just in case some of the smaller kids want to ride back, or to get ice cream. All the kids except the oldest two decide to ride back. To make room, my sister joins me on the beach, in the twilight, and we walk behind the two oldest as they head back towards my house. The oldest girl is going to be a beauty. Boys and men already turn their heads to watch her on the beach. My sister and I will have our hands full with that one.
     
    “ What are you thinking about?” Cara asks
    “ My ex,” Shannon says straight away.
    “ What about him?” Cara prods.
    “ About how the sex was no good and then non-existent at the end.”
    “ And exactly why are you thinking about sex?” Cara asks.
    Shannon looks at her.
    “ You’re not thinking about doing it with Joe are you?” Cara asks.
    “ No.”
    “ But you’re wondering what it would be like?” Cara asks.
    “ No.”
    “ So why were you thinking about sex with the ex?”
    “ Because of the kids. Because after a while, the sex was only to have kids. He had to have kids. And now he has kids and he doesn’t want them.”
    Cara listened. Watched the older kids walking ahead, thought back to their walks at Nags Head, thought about their walks around the farm in Ohio, and at Mentor Headlands, and all the other walks they had taken over the years. Realized that this was the first time Shannon had ever talked about sex with the ex.”
    “ Have you heard from him lately?” Cara asks.
    “ He keeps sending me emails and texts and actual letters. I half expect to see him show up here on the beach someday.”
    “ Do you think he would?”
    “ Not really. He’d think about it. But like everything else he’d never quite get around to it.”
    “ Ouch,” Cara says.
    “ Just keeping it real.”
    “ Wonder what he’d think