The Tudor Vendetta by C. W. Gortner Read Free Book Online

man more interested in protecting himself. I had never found it easy even in the best of circumstances to reveal myself; now, it felt as if any excuse I offered would be a lie.
    “You … you’re so lean,” she said. “I hardly recognized you. You’ve cut off all your hair, too, and your beard, it is so thick.…” Her voice trailed off, as if she were talking to a stranger who wore a familiar but suspicious visage.
    I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t paused to consider how much I, too, had changed.
    She remained silent, studying me as if she couldn’t quite accept that I stood before her in a rumpled tunic and sagging hose, my boots and cloak heaped at my feet. Then she whistled and she said, “Urian, come!” She turned to walk away.
    The dog whined, lifting plaintive eyes to me. Taking up his lead, I hastened after her. “Kate! Kate, wait. Do not—”
    She whirled around, bringing me to a halt. Something flamed in her eyes, like jagged lightning. “Do not?” she said. “Do not ask where you went after you left us in the Tower or where you’ve been these past years? Or do not ask why you never sent word to let me know you were alive? Do not ask anything: Is that what you want?”
    “Kate, I—”
    Her hand flew out, striking me hard across the cheek. My teeth cut into my lower lip. Tasting my blood, I said, “I know I deserve that. You have every right to hate me.”
    She was trembling, her hand pressed to her chest as though it had struck me of its own accord. “I don’t…” Tears filled her eyes. “That’s the trouble. I cannot hate you, but I want to. I need to.” Turning about again, she staggered against her hem. I reached out, taking her by the arm to steady her. The moment she felt my hand, she froze.
    “You must let me go,” she whispered. “Please.”
    “Not until you listen to me.” All of a sudden, my words tumbled from me in a frantic rush. “I did not leave voluntarily. The Imperial ambassador, Renard; he sent men after me. My life was in danger. Cecil and his household were in danger because of me. I had to go abroad. There was no other way.”
    She had to understand my predicament. She was Cecil’s ward. After her mother’s death, he and his wife had taken Kate into their home, raised her as their own. She loved them as she would her own parents, and they loved her. She would not have wanted them in harm’s way, not even for my sake. She did not react as I spoke, her face averted, her body so tense that I finally let go of her arm. “I went to Basel,” I added, “to stay with Walsingham. He agreed to take me in and train me. I was not allowed to write from there, either.”
    After a long moment, she raised her gaze. “I know. Cecil told me. He came to Hatfield after Mary died. He told me everything. I had just hoped to hear it from you instead.”
    “I wanted to tell you! Kate, I swear it. But I could not. It was too—”
    “Dangerous. Yes, I’ve heard that before.” She gave me a bitter smile. “It’s always been too dangerous wherever Elizabeth is concerned. From the day you swore to serve her, we have dwelled on the edge of her plight. Now, she has won. She is queen.” Kate paused. “But I don’t imagine it’ll be any less dangerous. And you will be at her side to see her through it, no matter the cost.”
    My throat knotted. “You know why I must serve her.”
    Her sigh had no rage left, no accusation, only heartbreaking resignation. “Sometimes, I wish I did not know it. Sometimes, I wish you had never told me. This bond you share with her, it consumes everything. It leaves no place for anyone else.”
    Desolation cracked open inside me. Sensing my distress, Urian barked in agitation. From the stalls behind us the horses whickered, Cinnabar’s distinctive neigh among them. I longed to enfold Kate in my arms and reassure her that we could still forge a life together, forget the past and start anew. But I could not lie to her anymore; I couldn’t