Twitterature by Alexander Aciman Read Free Book Online

REALLY care. A great turn-around from earlier! A Dickensian twist, no?
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    Everyoneʼs managed to kill off each other. Now Albany thinks I should retake the throne, but I feel so very very tired ...

Lysistrata
    by Aristophanes
    @PussyWhip
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    This war is just too absurd. We canʼt go on this way.
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    Whatʼs something we can leverage against men? Whatʼs the one thing weʼre good for again? Itʼs on the tip of my tongue . . .
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    @WomynOfGreece: No sleeping with your husbands until they agree not to fight anymore.
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    This should work well. After all, you come home from the war, all you want is a beer and blow job. Imagine if you could only have a beer?
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    @WomynOfGreece: If they force you, remember, no legs to the ceiling. NO ORGASMS. That gives them the power. And we canʼt have that now can we?
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    @WomynOfGreece: You also have to give up the Lioness on the Cheese Grater. I know itʼs great, but lay off it for a bit.
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    Men are back. Storm the Acropolis!!! We can have a sit-in. Or a lock-down. Like a sitting pussy lock-down.
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    We shouldnʼt stay at the Acropolis together too long though. We might get on the same cycle. That would mean a mess for the sit-in.
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    You think men at war have it bad, we just sit here, waiting to service them. Then they leave for a decade. And batteries not invented yet.
    Talk about hit-and-quit. Then I have to raise yoʼ baby!
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    Our men are going nuts. Itʼs really working. Theyʼre horny as hell - and no war in sight.
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    Letʼs see if we can get them to agree to some absurd shit. Maybe theyʼll let us vote, have jobs, own property. Equal rights win, perhaps?
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    Letʼs piss them off even more and lock ourselves in the Acropolis again.
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    Can you believe that theyʼre already getting some peace-contracts ready? What men wonʼt do for sex . . . Jeez.
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    Time to overcome our differences and just get it on. Sexual healing sounds good? Right now! Thank Athena, I feel so hollow.
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    Whooooo, party in the Acropolis!!! Weʼre going streaking through the forum and into the temple!!!
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    After all, we really just want some action. If we fought wars and men came up with this plan, peace would have come much sooner . . .

In Cold Blood
    by Truman Capote
    @PerrySmith
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    Dick and I off to rob some rich farmers. I donʼt care to do it so much, but Dick insists and I usually just listen to him.
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    Uh oh. Farmers had no money so I shot them point blank with a shotgun. I canʼt help it. Mother didnʼt love me, so I have to kill people.
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    (Sometimes I just want to go to Mexico and hunt treasure in the ocean. Iʼm not a total failure; I have dreams and aspirations!)
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    @ClutteredReporting
    Big news! Gentle family of four murdered in small Kansas town! Seems like a good opportunity for some reporting. #bignews #crime #mycareer
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    @PerrySmith
    On the run. Dick conning us all the money we need. Heʼs so powerful and in control. Even though heʼs illiterate, I am . . . drawn to his manliness.
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    I have this dream where a giant bird kills all the mean
    people who make me murder families. Wish a giant bird would come save me IRL.
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    Got picked up by the law. Why wonʼt The Man just leave me alone?? Canʼt they see Iʼm real educated, and Dick is the stupid criminal?
    @ClutteredReporting
    My Southern background and career as a New York literary homosexual will no doubt win me the trust and favor of these Midwestern farmers.
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    @PerrySmith
    In prison. This nice man from New York wants to know my story - think he will help me go free by telling my side.
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    I guess the Clutters were actually a nice family, and their death has wounded this town and the police who investigated the crime.
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    But really, I wish a giant bird would just kill them and carry me off to paradise.
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    Sentenced to death. Whenʼs the reporter